The Condition She's In
by BecuzYo
Summary: If she has to diagnose herself, she's in critical condition, with little chance of recovery. But it's still a chance. Tara embarks on a volatile relationship with Josh Kohn and for some reason it all comes back to Jax.
1. Chapter 1:Grave Condition

This is my first SOA fic. Just wanted to see what Tara was doing and feeling when she was in that relationship with Kohn. Tara's present day relationship with Kohn is intertwined with her past relationship with Jax. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** In the colorful language of Kurt Sutter, I don't own shit but the damn DVD collection and an active need to see Charlie Hunnam full frontal. You 'll have to pry that dream from my cold dead hands.

* * *

**GRAVE CONDITION**

She tries to hold in her sobs as she daps the blood again with the washrag. The cut on her lip won't stop bleeding and she doesn't want to get stitches. That would lead to questions she isn't ready or willing to answer. Locked in the tiny bathroom of her one bedroom apartment, she still feels so unsafe and vulnerable- two feelings she hates. She's not some cowering damsel, some simpering abused woman who allows a man to pound her face in, yet here she is, tending to a swollen lip and increasingly purple cheek.

Outside her bathroom door, the phone rings. Josh is calling..._again_. Phone call number twenty. That began shortly after she felt the sting of his fist on her face. He attacked her when she arrived home from work and had tried blocking her from shutting her front door. She fought back as hard as she could, fighting for survival, or space, or whatever, which allowed her to throw on the locks. He tried to push his way into her apartment, and gotten a good lick in, splitting her lip. She assumed he was still in her hallway, pacing, calling her incessantly.

He'd have to tire of it sometime. When she checks her locks again, she'd unplug her phone too, she thinks. She needs to call her super; the super would ask him to leave. She needs to call the police. Thank god, she felt weird giving him a key, so she never offered. But then again, she'd never think he would do this to her.

She'd pack a bag and stay at the hospital tomorrow.

Leaning over the sink, she watches the red flow down the drain. Her blood.

Tara had never really been hit by a man before. Even her drunk asshole of a father, whose fits of rage were limited to yelling and throwing shit to make his point, but he never marred her skin with his hands. She can't even remember being spanked as a child.

* * *

"_Did he hurt you?" Jax asked, the expression on his face one of concern and no doubt would turn directly to rage should she say yes. His hands touched her face as he looked into her eyes, hoping for the truth._

_Tara shook her head and Jax's warm hands slid from her face. Her father never actually made contact, even at his angriest, it was more of his words that stung. Most days, she would just chalk up his rants to his alcohol-induced delusions. Except this time, she should have expected it. Of course he was angry. Unser made the obligatory phone call to her father about her recent arrest with Jackson "Jax" Teller, local bad ass. She certainly wasn't going home to a celebration for her recent antics._

_Her father yelled that she was throwing her life away for a no good biker bum. Tara found that ironic, since she knew her father frequented that same biker's clubhouse when his usual bars refused him a drink. Pointing out that hypocrisy only got him even angrier. Her father warned her away from Jax and SAMCRO, that nothing good could come from riding on the back of his bike._

_As she slumped on Jax's bed, she looked over to her seventeen year old boyfriend, his light blonde hair chin length, his brilliant blue eyes looking back at her. Jax was so concerned about her when she called him and asked him to pick her up after fighting with her dad. She knew deep down, it was wrong what Jax did with the club. Illegal activities and bouts of violence. It was even worse that she was with him all the time, not knowing what danger he was dragging her into. She didn't care either. Now, she had a record of arrest. Her father's words, however, didn't do much to deter her from loving Jax as much as it made her hate her father. _

"_He's just mad...about last night," she sighed. A bike ride that turned swiftly into a ride in the back of a police car._

_Jax nodded. "That was my fucking fault. I shouldn't have been carrying that when I had you around."_

_Tara bit at her lip and then asked, "Probably not... so what was it?"_

"_You don't want to know," Jax shook his head. He turned his head and looked away from her. He looked as if he wanted to tell her but couldn't._

"_Whose was it?" she pushed a little more. If she was going to be arrested for being in the possession of stolen items, she wanted to know what it was at least._

"_You don't want to know that either," he gave her a knowing smirk. _

_Jax didn't talk much about what he did when it came to SAMCRO. Part of that was to protect her or so she thought. He wasn't going to tell her, so she was going to have to let what happened go. "So, are you banned from seeing me?"_

"_Supposedly," she shrugged, playfully looked over to him. "Yes. So this is my goodbye."_

"_This?" he chuckled and waved at the space between her and him, which wasn't much. "I deserve a better send off than that."_

_She put out her hand for a handshake. "Goodbye Jax Teller. It's been real. Stay cool, stay in school."_

_He bit his lip in that sultry way that usually gets her in trouble and grabbed her extended hand, pulling her towards him and his lips. He kissed her thoroughly, only stopping when they both needed air. He smiled against her lips and whispered, "I don't know Tara, something tells me you're not going anywhere."_

* * *

Her head is pounding, and she wonders if she has a concussion.

She knows she has to end this. She has to end it, no if, ands, or fucking buts about it, and she will immediately. Tara isn't one to stay in such a bad situation; she would have tried her best to convince any woman she knew that they deserved better, and she know she does too. Trying as hard as she might, she can no longer excuse the red flags in this relationship- which there were many. Josh's weird obsessive behavior, overcompensating, and the big fucking fist across her face.

**No. **

She wouldn't be the girl who stays while a man beats the shit out of her. If he dares to try to get near her again, she'd do her best to extract his heart from his chest using her surgical scalpel.

* * *

_She'd seen men hit women, when she was younger and around a different crowd. She'd been at the clubhouse, and Jax had to leave with Opie, to go do something for Clay. He promised he'd be right back, leaving Tara alone in his mother's presence. Gemma, Jax's overbearing mother, forced Tara to sit with her and Luann, another old lady, for what Tara guessed was a visual into what her life would be like one day. They were sitting in relatively awkward silence when Tara notice a commotion at the bar. A man at the bar slapped a woman with an open hand across the face. It shocked her, as everyone else around continued smoking their cigarettes and drinking their beers. The woman held her cheek, a sob escaping._

_Tara had jumped up to intervene, when she heard Gemma say, "Sit your ass down and mind your own business."_

_Tara's mouth opened and shut, but she slowly sat back in her chair. "But...did you see what he did to her?"_

_Gemma took a drag of her cigarette and cut her eyes at Tara. "No I didn't. You didn't either. What were you going to do about it?"_

"_Stop him!" _

_Gemma sat forward, making eye contact with Tara. "From what? That's a part of life. You don't know what she did to deserve it, if she deserved a lesson. You don't get involved in their business, or any club business."_

"_No one deserves to get hit," Tara said defiantly much to Gemma's surprise._

_Luann tried to intervene. "Relationships are complicated honey."_

_Gemma pointed her cigarette at Tara."You best remember that. There are lines that might get crossed. And sometimes, a slap is needed to define that line again."_

_Finding Tara thoroughly chastised, Gemma got up and walked to the kitchens. Luann tried a different approach. _

"_It'll get handled. Gemma just doesn't like anyone interfering in club business. Anyone but her that is. But, she'll tell Clay about that little situation and it'll get straightened out."_

"_Why was she defending it?"_

"_It's not always like that. Like I said, Gemma just doesn't want you involvin' yourself. But the hitting is a different story. There's some good guys and some bad guys. Women love all kinds of men, good and bad. The goal is to find a good one. Then he wouldn't hit you, wouldn't dream of it."_

_Tara took in the older woman's words. "Have...have you ever...?"_

"_Yeah," Luann stamped out her cigarette. "I have. Not Otto though. He would never hurt me. That's a good one. So is Jax."_

_Tara nodded. Jax would never hurt her. The only time his hands touched her face was to gently push a strand of hair out of her eyes. He would never hurt her, at least not that way. For all of Gemma's shit, something must have rubbed off on Jax to make him so gentle._

_Tara took a deep breath before asking Luann, "Has Gemma ever...?"_

"_Honey, pretty much every woman has been hit at least once. It's life."_

"_I would never let-" Tara started but Luann reached out and touched her knee._

"_Never say what you won't do."_

_Tara exhaled in disbelief. That type of thing might be for the club but it would never be normal for her. What made it even worse, was that it was another woman telling her that it was expected and could happen to her. She wondered how any woman would put up with such a thing. She never would._

* * *

The sting on her lip turns into a dull throb as she slowly looks in the mirror and sees her face. Fair skin bruised and punished, dark red blood dripping on her chin. She hates him. She hates what he did to her. Her eyes sting again, already swollen from her earlier cries of pain, but now she is crying because she is angry and scared. Tara Knowles doesn't do angry and scared. She pulled herself through too much shit to let this happen to her.

The few relationships she managed to have, no one ever touched her that way. Not that she had many to compare this situation too. She hadn't really dated much. The only real relationship she could even compare this to was so far on the other end of the spectrum. She never felt unsafe then, at least, not with Jax. No, Jax would never hurt her in such a manner. Talk about a prince charming in leather, _Jax_ would have suffered a dire fate by his own hand if _he _had ever struck her. His touches burned but in a good way.

Tara would end this.

Joshua Kohn would regret ever meeting her.


	2. Chapter 2:Satisfactory Condition

**Satisfactory Condition**

It had taken her years not to look up expectantly when she heard a motorcycle whiz by her on the street. When Tara first got to Chicago, she'd walk around, seeing the small part of her city, and every time she heard the cracking of a muffler, she'd instinctively whip her head up to see. She did the same in San Diego too. For some dumb reason, she thought, maybe... _just maybe_, Jax had somehow found his way there, and would pull up next to her, finally closing the gap between them. But that day never came and she stopped noticing the humming of bikes at all, and started focusing on the sounds of car horns and mutterings of the people of the Windy City as she made her way to work.

It was better this way. She wanted to get away and she had. She had to stop begging for her past to find her. But it never failed, her mind flashed back to her old life.

* * *

_She stepped off of her school bus and saw him leaning against her father's car, a smirk on his face, as if he already knew she would climb on the back of his bike and go anywhere with him. And she usually did._

_Tara walked up to him, dropping her raggedy book bag in the drive way. "You know my dad hates people touching his car."_

"_How does he feel about people touching his daughter?" Jax asked in that low cocky fucking voice of his._

"_I think he hates you touching his car more."_

_Jax leaned even more against it. "What if I laid you out on top of it?"_

"_He'd shoot you," she jabbed her finger into his chest. "Right here."_

_Jax grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Ride with me?"_

_As if he had to ask. They rode his bike out to the grove, a small piece of heaven in what she considered a shitty place. After making out for a while, the pair laid under the shade of the trees, their fingers dancing around each other. Jax was so rough around the edges- his knuckles swollen from whatever he did since he dropped out of school, yet so gentle with her. She didn't ask why his knuckles were in such a shape, not anymore. She didn't want to know. _

"_I like it here," she sighed._

"_That's a first. Usually you hate anything to do with Charming," he teased._

"_Not my fault this place is the devil's asshole."_

_His low chuckle vibrated against her chest. After a beat he asked, "Why do you hate it here so much?"_

"_You know why," was the only reason she gave him. _

_She hated the way people looked at her because her mother died and her father was the town drunk and a shitty human being. She hated that it had all the fucked up traditions of a small town going nowhere. Everyone knew everything about you, even when you didn't want them to. _

_After another minute, she looked over at Jax. "Do you ever think about leaving?"_

_She'd been thinking about it a lot. The two of them turning legal, climbing on his bike, and barely giving a glance back as they sped out of town._

_He however, had different plans. To answer her question, he didn't hesitate. "Nope."_

* * *

"You should totally come with us, Tara!"

Tara looked up from her chart to see two of the neonatal night nurses looking at her expectantly. They had been pestering her for months to get out and experience Chicago nightlife with them. She'd been able to fend them off, claiming she had extra rounds, a headache, or even a fake date or two, but now they had finally wore her down. She had to admit, her usual hermit crab ways were getting old; there were only so many Stouffer's microwavable dinners she could eat and so many movies she could rent. Her small apartment walls were closing in and she had no idea how to get any where that wasn't in the ten blocks between her apartment and the hospital.

"Soooo?"

Tara blinked, and thought to herself, she deserved it. She deserved to be the young single city girl she wanted to so desperately be. "Um...sure?"

The nurses clapped. "Yay! Okay, so go home and change, we'll swing by, get you and then we're going to head to Donovan's at nine."

Tara shook the doubt and nervousness she had away. "Okay, yeah. Nine."

As the pair walked away, Tara stood glued to one spot. She had to stop this. She had moved out of shit hole Charming to experience life. Now it was time to start and the only person holding her back was herself. It was time for a change.

* * *

_Opie tried to hand her his lit joint and Tara waved it off. He looked at her confused, when Jax reached across her and took it instead._

"_They're piss testing her at the clinic," he explained, taking a nice long drag of it himself._

_Opie nodded understandingly. "That sucks."_

"_Part of the job," Tara shrugged. She worked part time as a receptionist for a small free clinic. It got her out the house and she got to help people, which was something Tara always wanted to do. _

_She leaned back, her legs dangling over the side of the small bridge, mimicking the two guys. "Besides, with homework, and my dad...I really don't need to do anymore stupid shit."_

"_So asking you to steal some of their vicodin is out of the question?" Opie laughed and Jax threw a pebble at him. "Is your dad still upset about your ride with Teller the Thug?_

"_I get it less and less as days go on."_

"_Well then, I need to get you into some other shit. Wouldn't want the man to start to like me," Jax handed the joint back to Opie._

_The three looked out onto the small creek and mountains ahead of them. Charming was so small and rural compared to everywhere else. In a way, it was its own special brand of beautiful but painfully isolated too. _

_Tara stole a glance over at her boyfriend. She couldn't help but feel butterflies ever time her eyes landed on him. He was devastatingly handsome, but behind that was a very introspective young man. _

"_If this were anywhere else, this would be a Walmart parking lot," Jax stated, chucking a pebble._

"_Yeah, I kind of like that it's not," Opie replied._

_Tara looked between them. She wished there was more progress in Charming. Instead there were the same people, doing the same things, and going to the same places. _

"_Progress is good. Change is healthy," she said. "'Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds can not change anything...' George Bernard Shaw. "_

_Jax threw another rock, "Progress for the sake of progress doesn't help anything or anyone. 'The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much, it is whether we provide enough to those who have little...', " he looked at her with that impossible smirk. "__Franklin Delano Roosevelt, baby."_

_She smiled and stuck out her tongue and he nipped at it playfully._

"_Ugh. Get a room, fucking nerds," Opie muttered, and the three all laughed before returning back to the clubhouse._

* * *

She sat at the bar, slightly amused and definitely awkward as she watched her two companions flirt with a group of older men at the bar. The men were obviously in law enforcement, what their buzz cuts and trimmed mustaches didn't give away, the way they wore their badges on their waist belts certainly did. She'd been nursing a rum and coke when a tall lanky guy slipped in beside her and ordered beer on tap. He looked over to her and waved to the bartender.

"Get her another one of those as well."

Tara straightened up, not wanting to fend off any unwanted passes tonight. "Oh no...I'm fine."

The man smiled slowly and tapped the bar. "I just noticed that your ice melted. It's my civic duty to fix that."

She looked at her glass. She suppose it had melted, and she could use another drink, so she nodded slowly. In the back of her mind, a nagging feeling told her to ignore the man. To politely decline his offer, slip off her bar stool, and get the hell out of there. But there was another part of her that knew she was overreacting as usual. Here was this man, just asking to buy her drink, not marry her. She was over thinking things like only Tara Knowles can.

She looked at his profile in her periphery. He wasn't too bad. He certainly wasn't her type, if she had one; which in her limited experience, was shades of golden blonde and beautiful blue eyes. But he was the opposite; older, tall, thin, dark, and smiling a toothy grin at her. A little goofy. Normally, she wouldn't even think of even entertaining such a man, but if she was going to change her ways and try new things, she had to open her mind to the different possibilities.

He smiled bigger as he settled on his stool, a seat between them. He must have noticed her hesitation and defensive posture. "Just buying you a drink. Though, your mother would tell you never accept drinks from a stranger. So, let me introduce myself. I'm Joshua Kohn."

The corners of Tara's mouth went up a bit. He extended his hand and she shook it. "Tara."

"Nice to meet you, Tara. Also, I'd like to see some ID, you look too young to be here for a drink."

Tara regarded him for a minute before realizing he was joking. He chuckled at her startled face but she recovered quickly. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should," he sipped his beer as he looked around before looking back at her. "What do you do, Tara?"

"I don't know you that well... Joshua, was it?"

"Yeah. Or Josh."

She sipped her fresh drink and cocked her head a bit. "Alright, Josh, how do I know you aren't some psycho stalker?"

Josh nodded and opened his jacket blazer to reveal his badge. "Well...I'm a federal agent. I arrest the psycho stalkers."

The bold brass of his badge caught her eye. That was definitely different for her. She was used to being attracted to those _breaking_ the law. But she gathered herself, acting as if she carelessly glanced at his badge. "I'm a doctor. A surgeon."

"So if I need you to pull a slug out of me...?" he trailed off, sipping his drink.

"For babies. I'm a neonatal surgeon."

"Shit," he said, shrugging. "I thought I could impress you with this and here you are the hero in the room."

"I'm not a hero," Tara shook her head.

"Of course you are! You save lives, innocent lives. I just stop guys from blowing shit up."

Tara laughed. "Well in that case, you're my hero."

"Protect and serve," Josh grinned. He waved at the bartender again. "You want another?"

Tara looked at her drink. "No...no. No thanks. I came here with some people from work, and ended up watching my ice melt."

"Yeah, you did," he was turned fully to her now, "but if you hadn't, we'd have never met."

She looked up at him through her thick dark lashes and smiled timidly as he sipped his beer and looked at her with equal interest. Maybe it was time to move on.


	3. Chapter 3:Fair Condition

**Fair Condition**

He called her Tar-Tar and they were only four dates in. She liked Josh, she truly did. He was chivalrous and thoughtful, he showed her around Chicago, and he wined and dined her. He would call her Tar-Tar, and she'd sarcastically call him "Joshie", but he seemed to like it. She didn't really like Tar-Tar too much. Tara didn't mind pet names, but she was used to being called "baby" or "darling", but that doesn't sound right coming from just anyone's lips.

She was trying her best to get over her old shit- shit that stayed with her for nine years now. Tara tried to disengage from the constant haunting of _him_, the essence of motor oil and the feel of calloused hands caressing her body. She tried to forget whispers of stupid teenaged declarations, because those were childish things that weren't real, and here she had an attentive- if not too much- man who wanted her for the woman she was.

She really hated when he called her Tar-Tar.

"Excuse me, Dr. Knowles?"

She was at the board, eyeing her rounds when one of the nurses called over to the station.

"You have messages."

"Consults?" she asked as the nurse handed her several sheets of pink messages.

"No, he said he's your boyfriend," the nurse eyed her accusingly. Personal calls should be limited to emergencies, especially when a doctor has a pager and a personal cell phone, both to which he's called several times.

Tara sighed and thanked the nurse as she shoved the messages in her lab coat. She walked down the hall and saw Dr. Steiger. "Dr. Knowles, I was just talking about you."

"Sir?"

"I have a nine week premature female, with severe heart arrhythmia. I wanted to see if you could assist in the surgery, it's scheduled for seven."

"PM?"

"Yes."

She had dinner plans with Josh tonight, which was probably why he was so anxious to contact her. He'd be disappointed, but she was needed here. "Sure."

"Good. See you then."

As her pager blew up again, she looked down and frowned. Walking into the doctor's lounge, she pulled out her cell phone and jabbed in his number.

"There you are!"

"Josh, I was in two surgeries and a consult today. I'm very busy."

"I know, I know, but...I'm excited about our dinner tonight. Mia Cara's? I'm telling you their calamari is divine-"

She rubbed her temple as she sighed. "Look...I have to cancel. I'm sorry."

He went quiet, so quiet, she was about to ask if he was still there after a few moments. "Oh."

"There...there's a scheduled surgery at seven-"

"And it has to be you?" he said, and she could hear the irritation in his voice.

"Yeah, it does."

He was quiet for a few more moments, and she grew uncomfortable with the silence. "Josh?"

His reply was short and curt. "I have to call and cancel the reservation."

Two nurses entered the lounge and Tara moved to a corner, her brow furrowed in confusion to Josh's sudden coldness. "Josh, it's just dinner, there will be other dinners."

"It's never _just_ dinner for me, Tara," And with that he hung up.

* * *

_She doesn't know why she agreed to go prom dress shopping with Donna. Sure, Donna was dating Opie, but that didn't mean she had to automatically be Tara's friend. Tara wasn't really into friends; she was fine with opening the door of her world to Jax but with others, it didn't feel right. Regardless, Jax encouraged Tara to go with Donna, or else Gemma would drag Tara by her hair to a dress shop. _

_So here she was, surrounded by dresses that weren't her taste, trying to forge a friendship birthed from reluctance and dating a bad boy of Charming._

"_Where are you and Jax going to dinner?" Donna asked as she shifted through a rack._

_Tara shrugged. "Wasn't really planning on it. Might just eat a sandwich at home."_

_Donna stopped and looked at her as if she were speaking a foreign language. "You're kidding right?"_

_Tara shook her head. She wasn't sure what the big deal was. She wasn't even sure she wanted to go to prom. She didn't care for many of the people at her high school, why would she want to spend her night with them, in an uncomfortable dress when she could be at home?_

"_He has to take you out," Donna admonished. "We ride on the back of their loud ass bikes, hang out in that shitty dark smoked out club, surrounded by their drunk stale friends. The least Jax can do is take you out to a nice restaurant once in your life." _

"_Jax takes me out-"_

"_Are buffalo wings always on the menu?" Donna asked and Tara frowned before she started to laugh._

"_Yeah they are. But it's just dinner. We can get food anywhere."_

"_It's more than about the food, Tara. You deserve better," Donna said, more to herself than to Tara. "You deserve more than just dinner, you deserve romance. The truth. You deserve his full attention...even for one night."_

_Tara watched as Donna wiped a tear from her eye and realized Donna wasn't talking to her really. Something must've been up with Opie. She decided to focus back on dress shopping to get Donna out of her mood. _

_Later, when Tara tentatively mentioned the idea of a fancy restaurant to Jax, he seemed a little confused by it but agreed, on a special night like prom, a fancy dinner seemed appropriate. Tara didn't know why she needed the fuss. She was pretty low maintenance and that's what Jax loved about her. But after slipping into a black cocktail dress, her hair pinned up with a single flower, Tara began to feel as if tonight should be special. She couldn't contain her smile when Jax arrived, his kutte mysteriously tucked away, and replaced by a nice suit and tie obviously picked by Gemma._

"_Hey beautiful," He stepped inside, smiling at her. He took her hand and she twirled to let him see her dress. He whistled in response. "Your dad home? Because that dress would look even better on the floor."_

"_Nope," she said. There would be no proud overprotective fathers snapping pictures of her tonight. "It took me two hours to get ready. I don't care if we go to the post office, I'm showing off this dress."_

_He nodded, and leaned forward, kissing her softly. "Aiight."_

"_You look handsome, and slightly uncomfortable," Tara snickered as Jax pulled out her corsage and placed it on her wrist. _

"_Now you know what I am willing to do for you."_

"_Wash your hair and put on a clean shirt?"_

"_Sacrifices," he said as he escorted her out to the car. Gemma wanted a limo but Tara begged Jax to rein in his mother. "You know my mom wanted to follow me and take a hundred pictures?"_

"_How'd you stop her?"_

"_I stole her car." He opened the door for her like a gentleman and she smiled at his gesture._

"_Where's Opie and Donna?" she asked, remembering Donna's insistence that they all go to a formal restaurant._

"_All I know is she and Op got into an argument. I'm not sure the details, he was back at the club house when I left to come here."_

_Tara gave a sad smile as Jax helped her into the car. At the restaurant, she noticed two bikes sitting outside and she looked over at him._

"_Really?"_

"_We're fifteen minutes out of Charming. Precautions thanks to Clay," he said, his hand on her lower back as he led her inside._

_Cascades was the nicest four star restaurant in the county so she was happy Jax had taken her seriously. He was staring at his menu with great concentration and she regarded him for a moment, the way his forehead crinkled as he glared at the pages before him. Teasing she said, "You're concentrating on that menu pretty hard there, Teller."_

"_I've been looking for the phrase 'Chicken Fingers' for the last five minutes," he said winking at her._

_They were quiet for a few more minutes, the waiter pouring more water into their glasses. Tara had to admit she didn't feel like they were being themselves. Jax, his tie, her dress and updo, it didn't seem like them. Suddenly, she missed his bike, his leather, the wind in her hair, everything that made them Jax and Tara._

_After a few more awkward moments of sipping on water and looking around, Tara leaned over and said softly, "What if I told you let's skip the prom?"_

_He eyed her suspiciously. "I'm not fucking crazy. You're bluffing. This is a test."_

"_No, it's not. It's me telling you its obvious this is not us."_

_He put his menu down. "You're serious? You want to ditch prom?"_

_She nodded and reached for his hand. "I want to ditch prom, change clothes, and go somewhere with you. Somewhere not here."_

"_Tara..." he started to try to change her mind but she shook her head. "I don't want you to ditch your prom because of me. I want you to experience all of these things. This dinner, the dancing."_

"_Jax, there will be other dinners."_

"_Tara-"_

"_I want to do this. I don't need fancy things. I just need you."_

_He looked her for a moment, a relieved smile crossing his face. Hands still connected he gave her a light squeeze. "We gotta stop somewhere for chicken fingers though."_

* * *

"I love you so much Tar-Tar," Josh whimpered in her ear as he's inside her. She never reciprocated the feeling, she's not in love with him. She cared for Josh, sure, but she's not sure she could love him. Instead, Tara just closed her eyes and tried to stay in the moment. She couldn't enjoy the love making, there was something wrong in it, something was off. It was partly because Josh's behavior had been frustrating lately, and they'd been arguing more. He complained that she was distance and always working. Her residency required her to work a little more than others, and her skills as a surgeon demanded it. But he didn't see it that way and accused her of avoiding him.

"Oh god Tara, you feel so good," Josh panted. She said nothing.

She tried to ease the tension in the relationship by not being a total bitch. In a way, she _had_ been avoiding him. Josh's attention was sometimes overwhelming, and she felt smothered by his constant need to keep tabs on her. She felt conflicted because part of her thought she was overreacting. Here she was dating a successful ATF agent, that seemed to dote on her, yet she felt a bit repelled. He was trying to make this relationship work and she was sabotaging it like she does with everything else. Josh wasn't _that_ bad, she tried to rationalize. A little possessive maybe, but she's been loved that way once before.

But that felt different. She was young then, teenaged hormones, with her nose wide open, as she experienced the type of Romeo and Juliet shit others only dreamed about. Jax, in his own right, was a local god, and a beautiful boy to boot. And though she had known him her whole life, at fifteen she decided he was her everything. There's the exhilarating feeling of not being able to breathe if one can't be with the person they loved. Every moment with Jax felt that way. All day at school, Tara was holding her breath until she saw him again. With Josh, in the present, it's the opposite, she was holding her breath until he was gone. She's not sure what that meant.

With Jax, it went both ways. You couldn't have Tara Knowles without Jax Teller, and you couldn't have Jax Teller without Tara Knowles and his gang of bikers.

* * *

_When Jax decided school wasn't for him, she wasn't happy. He'd always been smart, hell probably smarter than her, but his upbringing didn't push him toward college. Even though he had dropped out, Jax promised her and his mother he would at least get his GED. Tara missed him dearly during school, but it gave her an opportunity to concentrate. It was hard to concentrate with Jax invading her personal space and distracting her and every other girl in the school._

_She walked out the front doors of Charming High as the bell rang, amused at the students scattering like roaches to their cars and buses. But she had a ride. Her man was standing near his bike, waving flirtatiously at the vapid girls leaving school. Even though Tara didn't worry, she knew Jax had his fair share of admirers. Groupie bitches, as she lovingly called them. Future crow eaters. Willing to suck biker dick at a moment's notice. One can't look as delicious as Jax did and not get attention. Tara was aware at Jax's effect on girls. Even older women spared him a second glance. But as soon as he saw Tara walking towards him, his focus was only on her._

_He stomped out his cigarette and smiled. "Sooooo...how was school today? What did you learn? Do you have homework?"_

"_Shut up," she laughed as he took her bag. She kissed him thoroughly. " I learned a lot, actually."_

_Settling her arms around his neck, he continued to tease, "Let me guess, you learned a bunch of bullshit you'll never apply to the real world?"_

_Tara sighed and rolled her eyes. Jax always complained about how useless school was, yet she constantly saw him reading books. He was also pretty damn good at math. He just masked all that intelligence with an occasional fist fight here and there. _

"_Are you going to take me home,Teller?" she asked as she climbed on his bike behind him._

_He started his bike and tossed a grin back at her. "Hold on, baby."_

_Later, shut up in his room at the club, he pulled down her panties and rubbed his hands on her as if this might be the last time he ever would._

_She ran her hands through his blonde hair, "What's with you?"_

"_Haven't seen you all day," he said as he kissed up her thighs. _

"_If you stayed in school, you'd see me in third period."_

"_I really hate Geometry. But right now, I'd really love to solve this equation of getting you out of your bra," His tongue flicked against the soft skin of her lower belly before she could respond, his warm mouth so close to her center. _

_She tried to hold a moan as he went lower. For a young man, he already knew how to work magic. He nibbled and kissed, rubbed, sucked, and massaged her in all the right places. And after her fair skin was sufficiently worshipped, he held her and whispered to her, "I love you so much, Tara."_

_And she couldn't help but to love him right back._

* * *

Thinking of Jax while her boyfriend's trying to make love to her was a bad idea. But she rationalized she's only thinking of Jax because he too had a possessive streak, one she found incredibly hot and equal to her own obsession with him. So yeah, she knows how it felt to be so lost in the person you love. She just wished Josh's focus on her didn't feel so wrong.

Suddenly Josh grabbed her face and made her to look at him. He could sense she was distracted. "Where are you?"

She tried to hold his gaze, feeling guilty of the disconnect between them. Josh must have noticed she was thinking of something..._someone else_. Suddenly his thrusts were a little too sharp now. His fingers dug into her skin. She knew she wasn't going to cum this way and if he kept grabbing her face like that, neither is he. Tara fought the want to push him off of her, but then she admonished herself for drifting back to memories of Jax in the first place. Comparing Josh to Jax. The past is the past. She had sex with other men since Jax. She's made love to Josh several times. But still...it really never compared. It wasn't fair but it was the truth.

"Tar-Tar?"

"I'm here," she whispered and to make that point, she kissed him softly. He released his grip and continued to pump inside her. Josh was trying, and his technique both in and out of the bed wasn't bringing her much pleasure as it was making her uncomfortable. She wasn't going to get an orgasm from this at all. If anything, she just wanted it over.


	4. Chapter 4:Serious but Stable Condition

**Serious but Stable**

He invited her to a department party, one she really wasn't interested in going to, but she didn't feel like arguing. She was contemplating breaking up with him, but she had to figure out how to break it to him. Josh was sensitive, almost too much, and his intensity was getting too much for her.

But there she was standing beside him at the party, surrounded by faces she didn't know, as he rattled off tales of old busts to his fellow agents. She smiled appropriately and sipped her drink, but she just wanted to bolt. While he was in the middle of another tale, she slipped away and went to the open bar to refresh her drink.

"Rum and coke."

"Sure thing, ma'am," she noticed the bartender's tattoos on his neck and tried not think of Jax. She couldn't help herself when she asked, "What's your ink?"

He looked shocked and smiled. Pulling at his collar to let her see, he said, "My son's name. He's the only thing that's truly mine so he got prime real estate, ya know?"

"Yeah, I do," she said smiling, thinking of the crow she has on her lower back.

* * *

_Jax beamed proudly the day she got it. She had mulled over it for weeks, and he told her she should definitely get one. He already had a tattoo in dedication to his father and would only cover more of his skin in ink. _

"_What should I get?" she couldn't decide. It was such a permanent thing, and she had no clue what she could get on her body that she wouldn't regret immediately._

"_I dunno. A butterfly or something," he shrugged. "Shit chicks get."_

"_I hate butterflies," she playfully punched his arm and Jax laughed. _

"_You should tattoo my name right here," he said, pointing to her left breast. He wasn't laughing like earlier, he was serious._

_Tara looked down at his finger on her chest before she asked, "Would you tattoo my name here?"_

_She pointed to his forehead. He playfully swiped her finger away and they both continued to look through the tattoo artist's book. _

"_What...what about a crow?" she hesitated. She then looked over to see him looking back at her, proud grin growing across his face._

"_Only if you're sure."_

_He promised her the process wouldn't hurt. Of course, he lied to her. It hurt like hell, that needle digging in her flesh. Now she was marked. Inked with a crow, __his__ crow. She turned and looked at it in the mirror, the art extending to the dip of her hips. When it was healed a bit, she would be a little more open with showing it. She would never show it to her father though. _

_Jax loved it, and anytime they made love, he used his tongue to trace the outline. _

"_It means you're mine," he whispered._

"_Does it?" she played coy._

"_Yep," he whispered as he cuddled against her and cupped her face, leaning in to attack her lips._

* * *

Josh had asked about the crow once when she was getting dressed in the morning. She tried not to encourage him spending the night, she valued her space, but he practically begged her one night. As she was getting dressed for work, he noticed the crow. Amused, he walked up behind her and traced it with his long finger._ "That's a serious tat."_

"_Just stupid youthful mistakes," she shrugged, moving to put on a shirt. She didn't want to tell him the story of the crow, or the boy who inspired it. Maybe she'd tell him one day. She'd tell him about the crow and Jax. Maybe._

"_What is that? A phoenix?" he asked, sitting back on her bed. _

_She tried not to smile too much as she corrected him. " No, it's a crow."_

"_A crow? That's such a random bird to tattoo on yourself."_

"_It's not in the town I am from."_

"_What? Is it full of crows?"_

_She smirked without even knowing. "Yeah, it is."_

"_What's the name of that town again?" _

_Tara put on her tennis shoes. "Charming, California."_

"_Sounds like a really nice and cozy all American town to live in."_

_Tara tried not to hold in a snort."Sure, full of crows."_

* * *

The bartender handed her a drink. Tara was so busy thinking about her own tattoo, she didn't see Josh watching her.

He walked over to her and leaned in, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

She nodded, thinking he was going to ask her did she want to bail and head home, but when they walked into the empty hall way, Josh grabbed her arm, jolting her out of her reverie.

"What-what are you doing? Let go of me!" she pulled out of his grip. She didn't know what had gotten into him to make him think that was okay.

He leaned in close, his voice low but menacing. "Thinking about sucking off the bartender?"

Tara was taken aback by not just his accusation but him grabbing her. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You're practically throwing yourself at him. At my job. Around my colleagues."

"I...I was not!"

"Think you can stop being a whore for the rest of the party?"

"You're an asshole. Don't ever fucking touch me like that again." She hissed before she stormed out of the hall to the nearest exit.

The first cab she could jump into she did and she leaned back, exhaling, trying to calm herself.

"Where to?"

Tara didn't want to go home. He would surely find her there. She just wanted to go somewhere where she didn't have to deal with how violated she felt. "Chicago Presbyterian."

She'd go to work and do some good. That would make it all better.


	5. Chapter 5:Serious Condition

**Serious Condition**

His _I'm sorry_'s meant nothing.

After the party, Tara was dumb enough to accept an excuse that he drunk and shouldn't have flown off the handle. She didn't really believe him, but she wanted to. He started to woo her again, taking her to a restaurant where the Chicago skyline glittered in the distance. She thought it was nice to look at. Nothing like the top of a old clubhouse roof though, staring out at Charming. She tried to make the argument that with Josh, she had a true grown up relationship.

This wasn't teenage hormones overriding her senses. In an adult relationship there was supposed to be ups and downs; highs and lows. The love was going to be messy because it was mature. Josh was worldly, smart, and had a stable job. He was on the right side of the law. Josh, on paper made perfect sense for surgeon Tara Knowles. She just didn't know if she felt it.

She found him scrolling through her cell phone soon after. She was in the shower, and he must have been so engrossed in scanning her text messages and pictures that he didn't hear her.

"What are you doing?" she asked, storming over and holding out her hand. "Josh, please give me the phone."

"I was looking for a number."

"What? Josh, this is my phone. Not yours."

"Why is that problem?" he asked, holding the phone between his fingers. "Hiding something?"

His demeanor was calm, as if he'd done nothing wrong in invading her privacy. His eyes told a different story. They looked enraged at her standing up for herself. Tara clutched the towel tighter and reiterated with her hand she wanted her phone.

"I'm not hiding anything," she felt stupid for even entertaining his question but something told her if she didn't, there would be an issue.

"Okay then," his mood shifted, placing the phone in her hand. Josh smiled as if nothing happened. He stood off of the bed, grabbing his gun off of the dresser. "Off to work, see you later?"

He didn't wait for an answer as he walked out the room. Tara stood stalk still in just her towel, clutching her cell phone, with a sense of overwhelming foreboding washing over her. Everything inside of her was screaming she should never see him again.

* * *

_Tara knew she would be in trouble when she walked out of the bathroom at the Teller house to see Gemma reading the acceptance letter from one of the three colleges she applied to. She had shoved it in her purse and forgot about it, but obviously Gemma had nosed around through her things and found it. _

_Tara approached slowly, and Gemma made no moves to hide her actions. _

"_Congratulations," she said, blowing a puff of smoke._

"_For what?" Tara tried to play dumb._

"_Brown is a good school."_

"_I'm not going to Brown."_

"_But you could go, according to this letter," Gemma said, waving the paper around and cutting her eyes at the teenager._

_Tara walked up, took the letter from Gemma, folded it and placed it back in her purse. "I don't know what I want to do. I have options."_

"_Hopefully far away from here," Gemma replied. Gemma made no qualms about wanting Tara away from Jax and Charming. She knew his mother hated her, no matter how respectful Tara tried to be. She hated Tara from day one. So Tara stopped trying. No matter what Tara did to endear herself to the woman, she was not having it. _

"_Maybe. Maybe not. Jax and I need to talk about it."_

"_Oh, you think he's going to go with you?"_

"_Maybe," Tara said, defiantly meeting Gemma's surprised eyes. Tara couldn't help herself around Gemma. Sometimes, it brought the worst out in her. "Maybe he needs to see it's more to this world than this incestuous, backwards, small minded piece of shit town."_

_Gemma cracked a sadistic smile, "Oh honey. You think your little teenaged pussy is going to make him abandon his life here? He's not going anywhere. He belongs here. With his family, with his club."_

"_That's his choice," Tara stated. _

"_There's never been a want to move on, not from Jax's end. If you move, I'll rent the U-Haul, sweetie. Move to New York, Jupiter, where ever, I don't give a shit little girl. But my son...stays in this, as you call it, incestuous backwards shitty town and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. But you? You keep moving and don't ever look back." _

_She stood up, causing Tara to back away. The small act of fear was fuel for Gemma. Just then, Jax came down the stairs with Opie, the three were heading out to Donna's house. _

"_Hey ma," Jax kissed Gemma on the cheek, but noticed some tension between his mother and his girlfriend. "Everything okay?"_

_Tara gave a hesitant nod, and looked back at Gemma. _

"_Right as rain, baby," she gave Tara one more glare as she said, "Now if you excuse me, I have to make dinner."_

* * *

She wanted it done. She was tired of him doing something totally crazy and out of pocket, then apologizing like it made his insane behavior okay. She didn't need this, and honestly, love wasn't even a factor holding her there. She was done and she just wanted him to leave her alone.

He'd already sent flowers and called a million times. She blocked his number, considered changing hers. She threw her pager in a bucket of water and then had the hospital issue her a new one with a new number. She was done and he could fuck off.

"Well hello Dr. Knowles."

She turned to see Dr. Steiger walking towards her.

"Morning. Did you need to see me about a patient review?"

"Actually no, I wanted to thank you. Your assist on the Dorman case was impeccable."

Tara couldn't help but smile. "Thank you sir."

"I think you are doing well here."

It felt good to be recognized by people she had high esteem for. Dr. Steiger was a renowned surgeon and here he was, commending her work. She felt so much better about her abilities now. Of all the fuck ups in her life, she was good at one thing. Helping tiny lives.

"I want to take you to lunch," Dr. Steiger said as he signed off on a file.

Tara couldn't believe it. "Me?"

"Sure. I like to have individual meets with all my residences. I find that they are less guarded when we are outside the office, and honestly, I am tired of the hospital food."

Tara laughed. "Okay."

"Dr. Knowles?"

She looked at him, expecting him to change his mind. "Sir?"

"You might want to change out of those scrubs."

She looked down at her dirty scrubs and nodded, laughing nervously. "Yes, yes sir."

As the pair walked out the hospital, Dr. Steiger was in the middle recalling a difficult diagnosis when Tara heard someone yelling her name.

"TARA!"

She turned to see Josh slamming the door to his government issued Crown Victoria, and he was stalking up the side walk.

"Josh?"

"Dr. Knowles, who is that?"

"I don't...I..." she stuttered, looking at a confused Dr. Steiger and Josh approaching her. Tara's heartbeat became irregular and there was a sudden pounding in her ears.

"I've been calling you," Josh said in a fake concerned voice as he approached her. He looked up to see Dr. Steiger behind her. "Going on a date?"

She hadn't really talked to him since he went through her phone. She was so off put by his presence, she could only stutter out, "Nnnno...I'm going out to lunch with my supervisor."

Tara was embarrassed and scared, she was too in shock not to be offended he was demanding to know her whereabouts.

"Tara, who is this man?" Dr. Steiger asked, stepping up defensively.

Josh took off his sunglasses and glared at Dr. Steiger. She could see a switch flick on, the one that made her afraid of what he might do next. "I'm her boyfriend, a federal agent."

He pulled his badge and shoved it in the doctor's direction. Tara said nothing, her face drained of color and she gripped her pocketbook strap until her fingers burned. She'd never felt so many negative emotions all at once.

"Tara, is this why you are ignoring my calls?" he said, his voice more cold now. He towered over her, crowding her personal space.

"Josh, no. Stop. Not here," she whimpered. "Now is not the time to talk about this."

"Then when Tara? You ignore my calls, my texts, my pages! When?"

"Young man, I suggest you step away." Dr. Steiger said sternly, but Josh put his hands on his hips, near his holster, and stayed focused on Tara.

"Didn't I say I was a federal agent?" Josh raised his voice and Dr. Steiger stepped back. He unsnapped his gun for emphasis, but thankfully didn't pull his weapon. "You need to step away, sir. You are the one impeding federal business!"

Tara looked around nervously at the gawking crowd. She shifted on her feet and wished the sidewalk would open up and swallow her. Josh had lost it, completely. This relationship was a bigger mistake than anything she'd ever done.

"Look, I'm sorry to come at you like this, but I really wanted to see you and well Tar-Tar, you need to answer my calls," he leaned in closer and lifted her chin so she looked at him. She felt like a child being admonished by their teacher. "You understand?"

She nodded slowly, trying to fight the tears forming in her eyes.

"Okay, okay...no big deal. Easy peasy, just...answer your phone from now on, " he leaned in and kissed her lips. In just seconds, he went from crazy to calm. Of all his unfavorable behavior, that was the scariest thing about him. Tara went stiff as his lips touched hers and moved slightly away. "I'll let you get back to your lunch."

* * *

_Something bad was going down in Charming. Tara hadn't heard from Jax in a few days, which was unusual, as he would at the very least called her just to tell her he was okay. She looked at her wireless phone by her math textbook, willing it to ring. It didn't. _

_The news didn't help. Two men were found dead off of a service road and Tara just knew it was SAMCRO._

_She couldn't do her homework when she had all this worry. She wondered if this was what life was like for an old lady, always waiting for news, some news of your man's safety, or at least the whereabouts of his body. She stood up and paced her room, taking in her posters and random knick knacks, anything to distract her. Unfortunately, most of the things in her room were connected to Jax. His teeshirt she never returned slung over the post of her bed. A teddy bear he won for her at Fun Town. _

_She ran her hands through her hair and exhaled in frustration. She was too young for this shit. She was just a teenaged girl, she should be worried about what she was going to wear tomorrow, not if her boyfriend was being shot or arrested._

_There was no one to go to about her feelings either. Her father, if he was even coherent enough to form an argument, would just scream at her to leave the thug alone. She told Jax before she hated it, hated not knowing where or what he was doing when he wasn't with her. He was too young for this shit also, he should be doing kid shit too, not running ridiculous illegal dangerous shit for the club._

_Becoming restless, she grabbed her hoodie and climbed out of her window, heading towards the club house. If her father knew she was out there at that time of night, he'd throw something. Thankfully, her father passed out on the couch a few hours ago. If Jax knew, he'd flip out._

_It was Jax's own fault really she was determined to be out so late. She had to find him, make sure he was safe. As she walked through the dark streets of Charming, Tara was filled with a sense of dread. What if Jax was hurt? The what ifs of this whole thing was the straw breaking the camel's back for her. She didn't want to live this life, not like this._

_Just then she heard a horn behind her and turned to see a truck slowly tailing her. She tensed immediately. It could be a stranger, a rapist, or an enemy of the club. Tara backed away, ready to run when the truck pulled up and David Hale, the jock son of Judge Hale, leaned over towards the passenger side._

"_Hey Tara, what are you doing out here?"_

_David was the son of a local judge, and Tara had learned from Jax being friends with a Hale was a no-no. Even though she'd gone to school with him, she avoided him, though he was always nice to her. Jax teased her and said Hale had a crush on her, but she didn't care enough to find out. _

"_I have to be somewhere," she stated, but he still trailed beside her._

"_Um, okay well, can I give you a lift?"_

_She mulled it over quickly, walking would take for ever but a ride she'd be there in minutes. _

"_It's late Tara and this isn't very safe."_

_Tara realized she agreed, pure adrenaline had clouded her judgement. She nodded and climbed in the truck. David smiled as she put on her seatbelt._

"_Where to?"_

"_The clubhouse," she said, and she watched his smile fall and his jaw tense._

"_Why would you go there? Nothing but drunks and prostitutes there."_

"_I have business there," Tara said, her tone clipped._

_David just nodded and drove towards club. They arrived a few minutes later, and David looked out at the usual groups of men and women smoking and drinking around trash fires out front. He shook his head. _

"_I don't get it. Why you'd want to be around people like that."_

_Tara whipped her head around, and glared at him. Regardless what he thought, these people were like her family. " Have you ever been to the club?"_

"_Of course not-" he started but she cut him off._

"_You know nothing about these people. Or this place. Not everyone comes from premium stock like you." _

"_Tara, that's not what I-" he tried to explain but she opened the car door and got out. _

"_Thanks for the ride."_

_Tara heard him pull off but never took a backwards glance as she made her way into the club. The stares didn't deter her from entering, she'd been here many times and she was only here for one reason, to find Jax. She maneuvered through the drunks, and clouds of smoke, making it to the back where the rooms were. _

_The room where Jax usually stayed when he was tired of watching Gemma and Clay suck face was closed and she swore she heard moaning when she laid her ear against it. If he was in there getting sucked off by some gotdamned crow eater, she swore to god..._

_As she burst through the door, she saw Jax holding a red soaked cloth over Opie's abdomen as Opie wrenched in pain. _

"_Oh my god!" she yelped and Jax ran over to the door, shutting it. "What happened?"_

"_Op got stabbed by a jacker tonight. I...I can't stop the bleeding," he said frantically._

_Tara nodded, walking over to Opie and lifting up his shirt. The wound was clean. She watched the doctors at the clinic and she had learned a few things. Maybe one day she'd be a nurse. _

"_Can't you call a doctor?"_

"_We did, he said he was on his way but that was a while ago. Shit!"_

"_Okay okay... um...Jax, can you get me some clean towels, warm water, and some peroxide? I can at least clean it," she said putting her hand over Opie's._

_Jax nodded and went to retrieve the items. After he returned Tara set to work on Opie's wound. She put heavier pressure around the cleaned area and the bleeding stopped when Gemma walked in with the doctor._

_Gemma cocked her head and looked at Jax. "What's she doing here?"_

"_Saving Opie's life," he said, his tone a slight warning to his mother to back off. _

_The doctor went to work on Opie, and Jax led Tara out of the room. _

_He rubbed his face with his hands and looked up at her. "What __**are**__ you doing here?"_

"_I was worried about you," she said, shifting her feet. "You didn't call."_

"_Baby, you can't just show up here. You don't need to see shit like that," he said, taking her hands in his. _

"_If you had called, I wouldn't have been so worried!" she pushed back._

"_Tara, does it look like I had time to call?"_

_She looked to the room where Opie was. "No and that's what scares me, Jax. You told me you were just a prospect. Doing grunt work. Most kids are at home doing homework, not being stabbed!"_

"_Tara, I'm not talking about this right now. I can't, I just..." he pulled back, his face serious. "I can't."_

"_Then when?"_

"_I dunno," he shook his head. _

_Tara crossed her arms, seeing that Jax wasn't going to explain. "Is Opie going to be okay?"_

"_The doctor will stitch him up and everything. Thanks for helping. Tonight was just...chaotic."_

"_I don't know if I understand, why you seem okay with the danger."_

"_I'm not," he sighed. "I'm not okay. I'm the opposite of okay. But I get through it. Because I have a job to do."_

"_A dangerous job," She nodded, and looked at him. "Jax it could have been you. It could be you next time. I don't know if I...I can't...just..."_

_She ran her hands through her hair, trying to calm her nerves. "Try to call me next time. If I hear your voice, I'll know everything is okay, even when it might not really be."_

_Jax pulled her close to him, his arms wrapped around her. She still noticed he never promised to call._

* * *

"Dr. Knowles?" she turned to see Dr. Steiger standing behind her. "May I talk to you in my office?"

She knew what this was about and she dreaded it._ Did you hear? Dr. Knowles has a crazy boyfriend. _Her reputation was on the line. She wasn't allowed instances like that. It was unprofessional and would certainly be frowned upon. She had to deal with the fall out appropriately. She'd take her licks because she should have ended things with Josh a while ago. Tara gave a nod and straightened her shoulders as she walked into his office. He offered her a seat and she took it, placing her hands into a tight ball in her lap.

Dr. Steiger sat down at his desk, and clasped his hands in front of him, searching for the right words to say to Tara. "Dr. Knowles, I'm...I'm concerned about what I saw out there, on that sidewalk the other day-"

Tara anticipated this and couldn't bare to hear anymore. "I know, and I am sorry I didn't keep my personal life from my professional life. I want to assure you it won't ever happen again. I-"

"Dr. Knowles-"

"I pride myself on my professionalism and I am so sorry if it colors me differently in anyway-"

"Dr. Knowles-"

She couldn't stop it, the excuses just flowed out of her mouth. She was so fearful, of everything. Of Josh, losing her mind, her job, her reputation, the respect of her superiors, her comfort, her safety, her life. She just tried to excuse it all away as if it was a one time eruption and she would patch it and make sure it never spilled into this hospital again.

"Dr. Knowles!" Dr. Steiger exclaimed, getting Tara's attention. "That's not what I am implying at all. My concern is not about you having a boyfriend, or him coming to your job, so much as to **how** he approached you and the look of utter dread that filled your eyes."

Tara's mouth clapped shut. She felt a damn breaking but she didn't want it to. She had to be strong.

"I don't want to presume I know anything about your relationship but what I saw was not healthy. It was not the Dr. Knowles I know you to be. You are a strong, smart, capable person, and I saw a woman terrified out there. I am sorry if it's offensive or against the rules, but I am concerned about your safety and the safety of those in your care right now-"

"I would never hurt a patient-"

"But he might," Dr. Steiger said, sighing. "Tara..."

He called her by her first name, and looked at her with care. "If you are afraid of this man, which you have every right to be, I will do whatever I can to help you. You just have to let me know how."

And just like that, the tears she'd been fighting back flowed out and Tara's covered her face and sobbed at the loss of who she was and what she had become.


	6. Chapter 6:Critical Condition

**CRITICAL CONDITION**

When she's alone at night with just her thoughts, she wonders if Jax ever thinks of her. She drifts back to her old self, in tight jeans and a ponytail, holding his waist as they ride faster and faster towards nothing and everything. Sometimes, she reaches down and touches herself to remember how it is to feel when he touched her.

It's not the same, nothing has been close to how she felt with Jax. She thought too often of him, his lips on hers when he promised her he'd love her forever. But right now she felt anything but loved. She felt pain, she felt afraid, she felt vulnerable. She was trapped, locked in her own apartment, her routine tight and rushed, anything to make sure she limited her opportunities to be accosted by Josh.

Did Jax really love her? Because it sure as shit didn't feel like forever when he didn't meet her at the airport. So his words were bullshit. Tara knew the choice she forced him to make and he made it. Her ghost of a past kept her up at night, as she replayed the conversations in her mind. Jax made his choice. Right at this moment, with her hand between her legs- she thought of him. Meanwhile, Jax was in Charming or somewhere else in the world, probably not thinking of her.

* * *

_Jax slowly walked in her room, watching her as she piled things into her duffel bag. She looked at him but kept with her movements. "Did my dad let you in?"_

"_Yeah he was leaving though. You two still on the outs?"_

"_Apparently going to off to college is not the hallmark occasion they advertise on TV. I do it and everyone seems pissed off."_

_He put his hands in his pockets and looked over at her bags against the wall. "Packing?"_

_Tara stopped and glared at him because she was tired of this game. Ever since she told him she was accepting her admittance to UC San Diego, Jax had grown distant. The dream of leaving with him was slowly fading away and she felt like Gemma was right. _

"_I told you I was leaving today, like a dozen times."_

_He nodded, staring at the floor. He was looking anywhere but at her. "Yeah, you did."_

"_Don't do this," she hissed. "Don't give me shit for leaving. You think I want to live in that trash compactor of a house with my dad, in this dead end place, with high SATs and two waitress shifts? I don't think so."_

_He leaned against her dresser. "I'm not going to give you shit. You're right. You deserve better than this."_

_She resumed her frantic packing. His eyes were red and she could tell he was upset. Hers too. She tried again to convince him, "You could go with me, you know?"_

"_Tara..."_

"_Why can't you?"_

"_You know why."_

"_Because of Gemma? Or is it Clay? Or is it the gotdamned club?!"_

_Jax looked surprised at her anger. "Look Tara, you know my place is here and I'm not even fucking sure why we're having this conversation. Your mind is made up. You're packing! You're leaving with or without me!"_

_She shoved her stuff to the side and stormed towards him, "Yes I am! I am! I'm getting far away from this shit hole!" _

_He rocked back and forth, trying to curtail his own anger. He felt betrayed she was leaving. She tried to calm down, reaching for him, the palms of her hands on the cool leather on his chest. "There is nothing in Charming. Not for me and not for you either. I...I want more for you, for me, for us. You are so smart Jax-"_

"_Yeah, with a GED and a certificate to work on motorcycles. Yay me."_

"_That piece of paper doesn't measure you. You're resourceful. But only if you leave here. I want you to come with me. Please. Please, Jax. Look at me."_

_He looked at her alright, with those beautiful blue eyes she could get lost in. But right at that moment, they were lost to her. Her Jax was slipping away. In one last effort, her eyes let the tears come out as she whimpered, "Please."_

_He didn't say anything but he gave a slight nod. Tears formed in his eyes too. She felt like she had finally broke through. He reached for her, his lips flush against hers, his hands moving up to her face. Those gentle hands that loved her like no one had ever loved her in her lifetime. His mouth moved against her, whispering "I'll come with you."_

_Those were the most beautiful words. Jax began to unbutton her shirt, and she smiled, his thumbs wiping away the mixture of sad and happy tears on her cheeks. He kissed them away too. She pushed her duffel bag off her bed. Laying her on her back, he slowly climbed on top of her, his weigh a welcomed pleasure, as he moved slowly down her neck and to her ear. _

"_I love you, Tara. Never forget that," he said in the softest whisper. "Don't ever forget that."_

_She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him make love to her. "I won't."_

_When he left, it was assumed he would go home and pack his bags, say goodbye and meet her at the airport so they could buy him a ticket. She was sure Gemma would give him shit, but Jax would come to her. Tara stood at the ticket counter, the attendant giving her a sad look as she scanned the lines behind her for his face. _

"_It's time to board your flight. You don't want to miss it."_

"_He'll come," Tara said, but she no longer believed it anymore. _

_She gave the attendant a devastated smile and headed towards the security gates, looking like an idiot as she glanced back at the crowds for him. Nothing. Not one blonde strand visible. She pulled herself together, straightened her shoulders and handed the boarding attendant her ticket. Jax Teller made his choice._

* * *

She was tired. Tired and fed up.

Tara had spent the better half of a week, calling and going to several police precincts in order to get a restraining order on Josh. First, as advised by Dr. Steiger, she went to Josh's superior, begging for him to reign in Josh. She mentioned him unbuttoning his weapon holster in public as if to pull it on an unarmed man, and the director swiftly put a end to the conversation, instead reading her a list of Josh's commendations.

She then went to her local precinct, but as soon as she mentioned he was an ATF agent, they told her she needed to go to the ATF, the same office that rebuked her claims. Tara was growing frustrated and weary about it all. It was obvious Josh was going to get away with his behavior, and had probably done it before because no one was willing to hold him accountable for his actions but her.

She'd cut off all contact. She refused his calls, changed her locks, alerted her super, and told the hospital under no circumstances was he allowed in neonatal. Dr. Steiger backed her on that. But still she lived in fear that Josh was always behind her, in front of her, and around her.

He was going to hurt her. This, she was sure of.

* * *

_She didn't really know anyone on this side of her family, and she barely knew this cousin she was staying with in San Diego. She felt so alone and afraid, even though she had wanted to leave Charming. As she began to settle in her room, and unpack her things, she tried not to think of Jax. With every item, she held back her tears for what she left back in Charming. A father who couldn't love her more than alcohol and a boyfriend who couldn't love her more than his club. _

_Jax lied to her. The last four years had been a huge fucking lie. Every time he looked at her, kissed her, or made love to her, he lied. He took her virginity, he took her heart, her soul, and her trust, and she happily gave him all of that. He told her he loved her, and she now knew he lied. Tara told him she'd never forget him, and she unfortunately meant every word of that._

* * *

Tara was scrubbing in when it hit her for the third time this week, the nausea. Instantly, she ticked off the weeks in her head and realized she's two weeks late.

**Shit.**

A pregnancy test from the CVS across the street confirmed it.

She was pregnant, and she hated herself for not being more careful with her birth control. She forgot a pill after a long run at the hospital but she hadn't slept with Josh in days due to arguing. When she finally let him back in, she was back on her regular cycle. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

No way in hell was she having this baby. Things were getting even more serious. He wouldn't stop calling. Josh had come to the hospital twice and Dr. Steiger had alerted security after the last run in with him. This was surely affecting her reputation. The nurses were whispering, her colleagues were judging. Josh and Tar-Tar were dead as far as she was concerned, and so was this little issue. She found a clinic in the yellow pages that wasn't in the immediate Chicago area and had no affiliation with her hospital. She also requested two days off.

Taking a cab, she didn't feel a thing about the fact that she was going to abort a baby. Tara paid her cab fare and ignored the shouting protestors as she entered the clinic.

Six weeks along, she aborted it and she didn't feel bad about it not one bit. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to be a mother. She just knew she didn't want to bring a baby into this situation, into her life. She didn't want Josh to hurt anyone else or have any tie to her. She didn't care that there were people outside screaming about protecting the life inside her. She can't even protect herself, she thought sadly.

* * *

"Dr. Knowles," she muttered into her cell phone.

"Hello, this is Detective Morales."

She looked around and found an empty corner where no nosey nurse or doctor could hear her conversation. "Yes?"

"I'm calling because I have you listed as the complainant on a restraining order file this morning."

"They approved it?" she said, her heart racing. Never did a piece of paper mean so much to her.

"Well, its a bench order, but yes. Now it's in effect for three months, and then it'll be reviewed again."

"Oh my god," she exhaled. "You're the third precinct I went to. I...I was so...Thank you."

"No problem. Call me should you have any questions or concerns."

Tara tucked her phone back in her pocket, closed her eyes, and finally began to breathe.

* * *

She came across the listing for a neonatal surgeon while perusing her email. She joined a neonatology and obstetrics list-serv back in med school, and it sent out listings every two weeks. She wasn't really planning on leaving Chicago Presbyterian; she liked it there. However, she was sure all the drama surrounding her right now left a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Tara had fleeting moments of wanting to leave but was not sure what her options were. But there it was sitting in front of her. It was like an omen. St. Thomas Hospital of Charming was not a top line facility but it needed a neonatologist. She stared at the screen of the laptop for ten minutes, hoping it was some sort of apparition. She blinked again, and read the description one more time.

_Who was she kidding?_ She didn't want to go back there. She didn't want to leave Chicago. Did she? She dropped her head next to the keyboard and sighed, hoping this moment to flee was passing. She couldn't help it as she looked back up a the screen taunting her and clicked the link.


	7. Chapter 7:Grave Condition (Continuance)

**GRAVE CONDITION (Continuance)**

She was so tired from a twelve hour shift, Tara didn't notice him lurking in the corner as she made her way to her apartment door. Her key turned the lock and she went to enter her door, when she felt Josh's hands grab her shoulders, spinning her around.

"You went to my boss?! You dumb fucking bitch!"

She didn't even have time to process anything, or even scream but she did try her damnedest to push him out of the opening of her door. If she pushed hard enough, he would be in the hall way again and she could shut it. Her buck twenty versus his tall frame was nothing and stuck his foot between the door and the jam to stop her.

"Get away! Stop!"

"Fucking bitch! Come here!"

He grabbed her ponytail and pulled hard, causing her to cry out.

Tara felt like her world was crashing around her. Josh was going to kill her, this she was certain of. His eyes were crazed and in just the few seconds he accosted her, her body felt broken. He pulled at her and she felt his fingers inch near her throat.

"No!" she finally screamed, more like a warrior's call, pushing him back into the hallway, but not before she felt his fist pop her across the face, full contact.

Her head snapped back, and she saw stars but she didn't have time to let that deter her.

She was trying to fight for her life. She pushed again, bit, kicked, and scratched, and stomped his foot until finally she was able to throw the door shut, squeezing the deadbolt between her fingers. She heard him banging outside, yelling at her for trying to get him fired. She latched the chain lock as well.

Tara slid down the door, her dark hair spread above her. She began to cry violently, drowning out his voice as he called out to her, a sudden and maniacal change in his demeanor.

"Tar-Tar, I'm sorry, baby. Open the door. Open the door, sweetheart..."

She closed her eyes, blood dripping down her nose and on her chin. Her face was red and pounding, probably swelling with every passing moment. Tara's whole body shook, from the pain and from shock. She cried in dry heaves, but realized she needed to put more space between her and the door. Tara gathered herself enough to crawl to the bathroom down the hall, grabbing her phone as she did. Throwing the lock on that, she moved a toiletry cabinet in front of the door for extra security.

She was going to dial 911 when she looked in the bathroom mirror and saw what Josh's brand of love did to her face. Her eyes grew wide and she let her fingers graze the swollen purple bulge in her cheek. She dropped her phone and frantically grabbed a clean washrag, trying to clean up the mess that was her face. Outside her door, in the dark de-shuffled hallway, her landline phone rang and rang.

* * *

"Detective Morales."

"He violated the restraining order," she said, no introduction offered. She wasn't going to keep playing games. That restraining order was nothing but a useless piece of paper because she didn't feel safe. The law was perverted and no one seemed to want to help her.

"I'm sorry who is this?"

"Tara Knowles. I had...have a restraining order against Joshua Kohn. He violated that order tonight."

"Hold on while I find that file?"

She heard papers being moved and then he sighed into the phone. "Okay, your name again?"

"Tara Knowles," she muttered, trying to contain a progressing scream.

"Did you call the police?"

"You are the police."

"You need to call the dispatcher-"

She disconnected the call without warning. Tara looked at the gun she recently purchased in her hand, regarding the feel of cold metal in her fingers. She felt like there was no safe haven for her in Chicago. Covering her face with her hands, she cried once more in frustration.

* * *

The one place she never wanted see again, was the only place she felt like may be the safest. It was her past, telling her presently, her future would be in Charming. Tara had no doubt Josh would find her. She wasn't stupid. He would find her, using his ATF resources, and track her down like an animal. He would finish what he wanted to do in the hall way. She knew the only way this could end was with one of them dead. He wasn't going to give up. But neither was she.

Tara had given Dr. Steiger a courtesy call after taking a week of personal time. She would not be returning. He tried to talk to her, to find out what happened, or what he could do to help. She asked him to forward her items to Charming, California. She'd be starting a new residency there. The administrator, Margaret Murphy, was eager to have her.

Dr. Steiger asked her again what was wrong.

"I have to leave, before he hurts me. Or a patient," she stated, giving him back the very words he had spoken to her.

Dr. Steiger was silent for a moment. "I see. It was a pleasure working with you. Should you ever find yourself back in Chicago-"

"I will," she said, ending the call.

She looked around at her empty apartment, most of the insignificant things donated or taken to storage. She wasn't going to take much. Her father's home was already packed with insignificant shit and she wasn't going to add to it. Tara looked around her, looking at the life she had tried to cut out for herself. A successful surgeon at a big city hospital. It worked for awhile. But as usual, her mistakes follow her and her past twists through her present. She'd miss her tiny apartment.

She placed her key on the kitchen counter and grabbed her ticket to the airport. She was going to _him_. Josh could come for her, bringing his brand of blood and pain, but she she couldn't be scared anymore. If Jax and the club were still in Charming, an even bigger pain would be waiting for the abusive shit of an ATF agent, if she needed it to be.

Tara wasn't sure if she wanted Jax to see her like this. Broken, shattered, and used. When she left Charming, she left to be better, to have better. It would embarrass her deeply to be seen as crawling back. She doesn't know what would happen, her mind had played through several scenarios. At the very least, she could see Jax before she met a violent end. If he even cared to see her at all. When she called to check on her father's house and estate, she had fished for some info on Jax, only to find out he was married. The blows in her life kept coming, even if they weren't in the form of a fist. But Tara couldn't let that deter her. She had to leave Chicago, she had to go back because there was nowhere else to go.

Tara took a deep breath, walked out of her former apartment, away from her new life, and back to everything she ran away from. Tara Knowles was going home.

* * *

***I could continue on into her time in Charming. Haven't really decided yet. Let me know if that's something you're interested in me delving into. Thanks for reading.**


	8. Chapter 8:Condition Unknown

**Remember the past events are _italicized_, and her current standings aren't. Enjoy reading.**

You couldn't keep a secret, even if you wanted to, not in Charming.

Tara knew the moment someone recognized her face, the Charming Chatters would have the rumor mill so warmed up, she half expected a welcome banner on her way into town. Though who was she kidding. She meant very little to anyone, no one would probably even care. The only person aware of her actual presence was her father's estate attorney, who would greet her at the house. It was fitting actually. When she left, she left with no fanfare as well. Her father had driven off to some local dive to drown in liquor and she shuffled off to the airport to be dumped by Jax. Steve Knowles didn't know how to say goodbye to his daughter. It was ironic that Tara never got to say goodbye to him in the end. Her selfish cousin, more concerned about saving the insurance money for herself, swiftly agreed to have him cremated, leaving Tara no way to actually mourn. Had she actually had a funeral for Steve Knowles, she doubted that anyone but her and the priest would have been present.

But Charming would have known she was back then, and maybe a certain someone would have been there to comfort her. But not today. Today no one knew she was making her way back home months after her father's death and she wasn't leaving anytime soon.

The lawyer said when her father passed a few months back, the house was so packed the EMTs could barely get inside. Tara had no idea what she was about to walk into, the state of her father's home was just like her life, full of unwanted shit that blocked out any light. She hadn't been home in so long, she was walking into unknown territory.

* * *

_Josh had even found a way to make her father's death about him. Things were rocky by then, but he hadn't shown his true colors yet. She got the call from her cousin one afternoon, after an exhausting day with two long surgeries back to back. She'd been perusing the break room for carbs and caffeine to keep her from going comatose, when her cell phone rang. Josh had been calling her all day, but she had chosen to ignore him. The relationship was weighing on her. But this call was from a San Diego area. Tara rarely talked to her cousin; after two years of living with her, Tara knew some long distance relatives were meant to be long distance for reasons._

_"Hey Mona."_

_"Tara..."_

_"Yeah, I'm actually about to head to surgery," Tara wanted to keep this conversation brief. Usually Mona would call to try to get Tara mixed up in one of her disability schemes. "What's the matter?"_

_"Oh Tara, I'm so sorry. I just got a call... about your dad-" Mona sniffed into the phone. Tara couldn't tell if Mona was doing one of her famous overreactions or if this was something real. But her gut told her this was something real._

_"What call?" Tara said slowly, dread filling her eyes._

_"He's gone, baby. He...he died in his sleep or something. You know he wasn't doing well..."_

_"How...how?" Tara wobbled and had to take a seat before she fell over. She knew this day would come, her father had obliterated his liver and kidneys a long time ago. Tara tried to talk to his doctors but he never gave her official permission. In fact he told her to mind her own business. That if he was going to die, she couldn't stop it. She just wasn't expecting it to be today._

_"He passed out and he had a hemorrhage in his brain-"_

_"An aneurysm?"_

_"Yes. I'm still making calls, Tara sweetie. I don't know what kind of papers, insurance or money he has-"_

_"I need to go...to Charming...," Tara said slowly, ignoring the tears that spilled onto her cheeks. "I need to take care of everything."_

_She stood up, but her feet didn't move. The break room felt cold and empty and so far away from where she needed to be._

_"No dear, no...you stay right there. I'll do it. I got him to put everything in my name a few years back-"_

_"Mona, you shouldn't have done that," Tara was trying hard to stop the tears from coming. She didn't have an easy relationship with her father, but she loved him. Suddenly, guilt overwhelmed her that he became collateral damage in her quest to leave Charming behind. She rarely spoke to her father anymore, save his birthday and Father's Day._

_"Sweetie someone had to. Your father was sickly and honestly Tara, I'm sure you have so much to do. I just know there isn't much insurance and...look sweetie I really gotta call you back. Stay where you are, okay?"_

_Tara nodded, even though her cousin couldn't see her, swiping violently at her eyes. Her father was dead. Now she really felt like an orphan. She had no family at all. No ties to anywhere. The call disconnected and Tara sank back onto the couch, staring at the screen of her phone, her face flushed and wet with tears._

_For the next few hours, she walked the halls of the hospital. She told her supervisor about her father, but asked for some privacy and time. Tara felt like shit, like she had abandoned her father in order to abandon everything she lost in Charming. Sure, he had abandoned her long before that, letting alcohol be his only priority, and allowing his only child to raise herself. But she couldn't hold it against him. That existence, the one she hated, made her strong, made her determined, made her resolute. She knew whatever she would face, she could do it with her chin high and shoulders straight, like she practiced so often before she went to school and was teased about being the drunk's daughter._

_Finally, after ending her walk with a glimpse at the new precious babies in the nursery, Tara went home. She'd call Mona in the morning and get a ticket back home. She'd take care of her father's arrangements herself. As she put her locks back into place, she turned to see Josh sitting in her living room, watching television. Tara jumped, she hadn't invited him over tonight, and he didn't have a key._

_"Josh! What the hell?" she yelped, pressing herself up against the wall._

_"Sorry to scare you, I had your super let me in. I've been calling you for hours."_

_Tara's shocked face twisted quickly to indignation. "You had him what?"_

_"I was worried-"_

_"You can't just come into my apartment when you want!" she hissed, storming past him to cut off her television. She couldn't with his shit, not tonight of all nights. She wanted to be alone, she wanted to mourn her father in peace._

_"No reason to get upset there, Tar. I just wanted to check on you baby. Been calling you all day. I had a big bust where this guy pulled a knife on one of our agents and-"_

_She shook her head as he talked, just wanting him to shut up and get the fuck out. He kept babbling about some case and she couldn't take it anymore._

_"-and that just leads to more paperwork, but the forensics of it-"_

_"My father died today," she spat out, her eyes still closed. "My dad...he's gone."_

_He stopped talking and regarded her for a second before reaching out to hug her. "Oh Tara-"_

_She stepped away from his grasp. "I want to be alone Josh."_

_"Tara, of all nights, surely not tonight-"_

_"No, definitely, tonight," she said, her voice succinct and clipped. "I need to just... be."_

_"I'm sorry-"_

_"Thank you," she said shaking her head, hoping he would move to the door._

_"-I'm sorry you never got to introduce me to him," he continued, causing her to look at him. Josh smiled a bit as he said proudly, "Fathers love me. Always have. It's a gift I guess."_

_Tara tilted her head in confusion to his completely inappropriate response to one of the worst days of her life. Her mouth opened and shut with no words._

_"I can order us Chinese?" he said, rubbing his hands together. Tara glared at him, her breathing becoming steadily erratic as her temper flared. She shook herself out of her shock and walked over to her door, opening it for good measure._

_"Good night Josh," she said, standing beside the open door._

_Josh looked at her, gobsmacked she wanted him to leave. Nevertheless, he stiffened his shoulders and walked out the door. Tara shut it without even saying goodbye._

* * *

_The next day she was booking a flight to California when Mona called._

_"Hey Mona, I'm trying to see if I can head out there by this afternoon-" Tara looked at the flights online and was about to settle on one._

_"Oh dear, no," Mona sighed. "No need for that."_

_"What it is? What are you talking about?"_

_"I had him cremated."_

_"W-what did you say?" Tara didn't think she heard her right. "You what?!"_

_"The insurance was shit, Tara. Your father let most of it lapse. The best I could do was get him cremated and have his ashes shipped to you."_

_"Mona," Tara's eyes grew red and she was trembling, angry tears now on her cheeks. "What did you do?"_

_"I made a deal with the funeral home for the lowest cost. They did it last night, quick, cheap, and it's probably already packaged and shipped to you. It's best this way dear, a funeral is too expensive. The house and all that junk is the only thing he left you."_

_Tara nearly dropped the phone and it took everything in her not to curse Mona three ways 'til Sunday. "Why the hell would you do that?!"_

_"Who else was gonna pay for it?"_

_Tara hung up in her face and swiped her arm bitterly across the desk, sending her laptop flying. Luckily it handed on her couch. She broke down into hard sobs, angry and fed up with everything in her life turning to shit._

* * *

Tara stepped out into the warm California sun, and put on her new pair of Ray Bans. It'd been awhile and she'd have to readjust to the brightness and temperature. She rented a car from the airport, packed in her suitcases and sat with the car running for ten minutes before she was able to put it in drive. As she drove to Charming, she smiled at the sight of flora and fauna she remembered, billboards with west coast staples of her childhood, and the warm breeze on her face. She felt lighter than she had in days. Her flight was complicated. She had gotten a long distance taxi from Chicago to Milwaukee, and then took a bus to Des Moines. It was only from there she took a flight to Seattle, Washington, drove to Oregon, and then got another flight to California. She wanted to make it difficult for Josh to track her, but now she was jet lagged, her credit cards were maxed out, and she just wanted her feet on solid ground.

Soon, her surroundings became a tad familiar and she was amazed at how San Joaquin County had changed. But the closer she drove towards Charming, the more things looked like they hadn't changed at all. When she saw the _Welcome to Charming _sign, her hands gripped the steering wheel, and she momentarily thought about whipping the car around and fleeing to Mexico. But the moment passed and she drove down the streets of her youth, the stores, and roads so achingly familiar, that she could find her way home with her eyes closed.

Tara briefly thought of driving past an old haunt, the clubhouse, but decided against it. She wasn't ready for that just yet. She thought long and hard about coming back to Charming, her first initial belief was that she would go because that was where Jax would still be. But now that her plans were in action, she realized she had no right to ask him for anything. Jax was married for all she knew, and had moved on. She couldn't come roaring back into his life, disrupting what he'd built for himself after she left him, and asking him to fix her problems. No, she wouldn't do that. Instead, she felt better just thinking that he was happy now, or at least she hoped.

At least one of them should get to be happy.

* * *

_"You make me happy, when sky's are gray..." Tara quietly sung the song her mother used to sing to her as a child. It was the only thing keeping her mood light as she walked home in the rain after school, pissed off there wasn't an umbrella any where to be found in her house. "You never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away..."_

_She had a good six more blocks before she'd be home, and by then she'd be soaked to the bone. Singing helped the time pass. Her hoodie was already wet and the hood was useless as it soaked up the water slapping against her. She should have took David Hale up on that offer for a ride but she didn't want to give him the wrong idea._

_No doubt when she got home, her father and his precious cutlass would be gone, so calling him for a ride from school would have been useless as well. Oh well, worst scenario, she'd get sick and miss school._

_Beside her, cars whizzed by, no one at all giving her a glance. In a way, Tara liked being invisible, liked when people acted as if they didn't see her, because when they did acknowledge her, it was out of pity for her being the drunk's kid. Behind her, roar from motorcycles grew closer, and Tara expected them to whiz by her as well. As two bikes pulled ahead of her to the stop sign, the guy on the bike closest to her turned and looked at her walking._

_She knew him. Jackson "Jax" Teller, junior class bad ass, and infamous high school lothario. Despite having the blondest hair, prettiest eyes, and beaming smile, he couldn't keep himself out of trouble. He looked as if he should be somewhere surfing or modeling but from what Tara had seen, he was a degenerate and he reveled in that. Tara didn't hang with anyone at school, surely not Teller, but she'd seen him around, all swagger and bravado, and rebel without a cause. Girls threw their panties in his general direction, and depending on the guy, well, they either feared, hated, or wanted to be him. From what she knew, David hated him and his "crowd", Teller being from a crew of bikers that Tara saw ride through town. She knew one biker or two, Piney Winston and Jax's late father, who were kind enough to bring her own father home after a drunken night._

_The rain was coming down harder now, and she ducked her head to stop it from hitting her face. As she passed them on their left, he said something to his riding companion, and veered in her direction. Tara looked suspiciously at him as he got closer to her, facing the opposite of his original trek. He slowly stopped up ahead of her, and cut off his bike, stepping up on the side walk._

_Tara squinted her eyes, as he waited for her to pass him._

_"Hey," he said as she walked by._

_"Hey," she threw back, continuing on. That was weird._

_"Uh, it's raining you know," he called out, behind her now._

_She turned and looked at him. "What?"_

_"I said it's raining. Pretty hard."_

_"Yeah?" she shrugged, wondering why Jax Teller was even talking to her._

_"You need a ride somewhere?"_

_She wasn't expecting that. She pulled at the straps of her heavy backpack and wiped the water off her face. "N-no...I'm just going home. Thanks."_

_With that she turned to walk again, but he kept talking. "I can give you a ride. I don't know if you noticed, it's getting ugly out here darlin'."_

_Tara stopped again, and looked at him once more. Why was he so concerned? He didn't even know her. And calling her "darling", what was with that shit? Irritated, she asked, "Do you even know me? Or you just giving all of Charming rides in the rain?"_

_"I mean, I don't _know you_ know you, but I know your name is Tara. I've known you since we were in elementary school," he scoffed. "And I saw you walking here, and thought I could get you home quicker."_

_Her eyes went wide at the sound of her name coming from his mouth, that he even knew her at all. She'd never introduced herself, had never spoken to him. She always thought she was unknown to people like Jax Teller, who surely didn't have time to know the name of the nerdy girl who walks home in the rain._

_"Jax, what the fuck?!" his biker friend beckoned from afar, probably tired of waiting._

_Jax nodded his head at the guy and seemed amused with Tara's sassy attitude. "How far away do you live?"_

_"Seriously, I'm fine-"_

_"You'd be there faster if you quit arguing with me and just got on my bike," he said smugly._

_"I've never ridden a bike." She hadn't but she wasn't sure she should be accepting bike rides from sixteen year olds. Particularly ones that she believed didn't know she existed until a few minutes ago._

_"Well, today's a first. Come on, 'cause now I'm getting wet too," he extended a helmet to her. Tara took a second, feeling the water soak deeper into her skin, before relenting and stepping to take the helmet._

_"You're soaked," he said. Tara thought she saw a bit of worry in his eyes, which she wasn't sure why. They never talked at school, and he never paid attention to her before. She hoped he hadn't thought he could resort to picking up girls off the street now._

_"I'm fine," she said, fastening the helmet. "I live on Kent and Albie."_

_Jax took her bag and attached it to his back saddle bag. He then got on his bike and she followed his instructions on how to mount as well. "Swing your leg over, don't be shy. Shyness gets ya thrown off. Now you have to wrap your arms around my stomach, here and hold on."_

_She looked at her wet sleeves. "My sleeves will get you wet."_

_"I'll survive, it's just water, " he said, looking back at her and smiling. "Scoot closer, you gotta get secure. Hold on."_

_Tara nervously scooted closer, sinking in behind him, his back strong and taut. She had never touched a boy this way. Jax revved his engine and she clung to him, her arms linking and her cheek between his shoulder blades. She'd never ridden a bike before and she was scared shitless. He turned the bike back towards the direction of her house, meeting back up with his fellow biker who she recognized as Opie Winston._

_"Hey! Taking her home!" he yelled to Opie. Opie just nodded as they sped forward._

_She closed her eyes, nervous that she wasn't holding on tight enough. The scent of his plaid shirt entered her nose, fabric softener and a nice masculine cologne. He smelled good for a teenaged boy. The bike glided through the streets, wind and water hitting her thighs and back, but his body shielded the water from her face. She did not think her day would end with her wrapped around Jax Teller on the back of his bike._

_Her blood pumped with adrenaline as they cruised around corners and streets, finally and too quickly, hitting her street where she leaned forward to his ear and said, "The blue house on the left."_

_His back stiffened, but he nodded and pulled over, Opie following suit. The rain had let up a bit, and Tara thought she would have been fine walking after all, but this was a strange turn of events._

_She unlatched her arms, took a deep steadying breath as Jax looked back at her. "You okay?"_

_She nodded and started to take off the helmet. "Um, yeah...that was...um...thank you...for the ride."_

_She felt like such a ditz, stuttering and stumbling over her words because Jax Teller was talking to her. Like all the other brainless bitches at school. For two seconds she hated herself. He felt sorry for her walking in the rain, because she was the drunk's kid, she was sure. That's all this was._

_Tara handed Jax the helmet, her fingers briefly touching his. It unraveled her, and she felt so strange suddenly, Jax seemed to blush too. Which was ridiculous, and she must be seeing things, or the rain just got in her eyes. She unhooked her bag and stepped back onto the yard. Her father's cutlass was gone, as expected._

_Tara was about to walk towards her door when Jax reached out and touched her arm. "You're welcome, Tara. See ya around."_

_Jax gave her a small smile, before revving back up and back to Opie and they went down the street. Tara tried not to smile as she walked towards her house._

* * *

The lawyer offered to come inside with her, but Tara told him that she would be okay. She watched him pull out of the driveway and then she turned and looked at the house she left so long ago. The shutters were falling off and the bushes were overgrown but it was still the same house. The firm had called the electric company and other facilities to change things over to Tara, but no one had been in the home since her father. The lawyer also stated that the city was concerned about the junk inside, to which Tara told him, it'd be a long process but she hoped to have most of it out by the end of the week, before she started work at St. Thomas.

She slowly walked up the steps and put the key into the front lock, turning slowly and the door popped. The house smelled musty and was full of dust, and there was no sound but that of a ticking clock that belonged to her grandfather. The living room had stacks of boxes and old magazines, her mother's white floral couch covered with newspaper, knick knacks everywhere, and other clutter. She walked further in, not cutting on the lights, shutting and latching the door behind her. She walked in the kitchen and saw even more clutter. Her father tried to bury himself with this crap.

Tara went to her bedroom and was shocked to find it still decorated like she left it and surprisingly without the clutter in the other rooms. It was like her father preserved it for her. Tara sat at the edge of her old childhood bed, her fingers spread over the comforter. She missed this bed. It was her only comfort in the house. She'd done homework on this bed. Dreamed of leaving Charming on this bed. Read books under the covers. She'd lost her virginity to Jax on this bed.

As she looked around at her old life, Tara let out the breath she had been holding in painfully since Chicago. Tara Knowles was finally home. She would rebuild herself, be strong like she knew she could be. She'd be aware of Josh as a threat, but here in this room, he hadn't touched her or ever hurt her. She'd be a new Tara but mixed with her old self, and she would finally be okay. She didn't know what would happen when the shit hit the fan. What would happen if Josh found her, or when Jax found out she had come back. Her future was unknown, but right at this moment- in her old room, even with the uncertainty she felt, there was a relief she hadn't felt in months.

**A/N: Next up, Tara gets spotted in Charming. Thanks for the feedback. Sorry about the long wait, I'd taken hiatus from fanfiction, and I had stick my toe back in the water. Seems fine.**


	9. Chapter 9:Stable Condition

Tara knew she would have to leave the house eventually. After a few days of packing and shifting boxes, checking and rechecking her locks, and listening out for the sound of motorcycles, Tara finally realized no one suspected she was back. Part of her was relieved, the other part of her confused and perhaps saddened. No, she didn't want Josh kicking in her door, but she didn't know how she felt about a _certain_ someone not knowing she was back. Perhaps, she thought to herself, perhaps he was at home, with his wife, with his arms wrapped around her, being the husband Tara knew he could be. Whatever he was doing, he was unaware of Tara's proximity to him.

She had to stop doing this. Thinking of Jax in that way. Whatever they had, she reasoned, ended long ago, and both delivered a devastating blow to the relationship. Her by putting distance between them, and him for allowing it to happen. The era of Jax and Tara was over.

Besides, relationships should be the furthest thing from her mind. She needed to get whole again, to get stable. The relationship with Kohn had drained her, effectively, made her suspicious and scared. She wasn't quite sure if she could say she was bitter and hated men, because she knew Kohn was an anomaly. All men weren't like him. His behavior shouldn't color how she perceived the male species to behave, just like her father's behavior and abandonment of her didn't make her think all parents abandoned those they loved. Tara knew gentle men, she knew men who loved wholeheartedly and beautifully. But maybe, those men were the ones that were anomalies?

_God, Tara, just stop._ She was stuck in her own fucked up head and she hated it.

Looking at the sorry excuse for a kitchen, Tara had to get out of the house and get some food. She was tired of take out, and the new refrigerator she had delivered was stark white, and empty. She stared at it accusingly for a few minutes when she came to the conclusion she would have to go to the grocery store. The only saving grace was it was later in the evening on a Sunday, and Charming practically shuts down on the Sabbath.

As she perused the aisles of Edmonds grocery, she smiled that the same grocery store sat where it was when she left. She tried not to think back too much, otherwise she'd get caught up in her past again, and as easy as that was, it didn't do anything but frustrate and bother her. Tara dropped four cans of soup into her hand basket, and went to turn into the next aisle when she almost ran smack into a cart being pushed by two kids.

"I'm sorry," she breathed out, smiling at them, when she heard her name being chirped behind them.

"Tara?"

_Dammit..._

"Oh my god! Tara!" It took her not even a minute to realize that it was Donna standing in front of her. Donna flung her arms around Tara's neck, causing her to almost fall over, but Tara recovered with a nervous giggle and gave Donna a squeeze back.

"Donna!"

"How are you?"

"I'm..."

_Running away from a murderous ex boyfriend. Trying and simultaneously __not __trying to see Jax. Digging myself out of my father's old shit. On my period, which just got regular again. Carrying a gun in my purse as we speak. _

All of those were true responses but Tara said none of that. She just smiled wider and asked, "Are those your kids?"

The little boy and girl looked extremely bored as Donna turned to look at them.

"Yeah!"

The little girl looked alot like Opie, Tara thought. "Are you and Opie...?"

"Oh yeah, married," Donna flashed her hand and Tara nodded.

"How's he-?"

"Just got out. Five years. He's...adjusting," Donna said, her own smile faltering a bit. The awkwardness lingered between them so heavily that Tara wanted to retreat. But she knew, as did Donna that the tension rested on the existence of one person.

"Are you back?" Donna asked the dreaded question, and Tara tried her best to plaster one fake smile.

"Um, yeah...I just got into town a few days ago and-"

"What the hell is this? Some sort of traffic jam? Move!" a gruff voice came from behind Donna and Tara looked up to see Piney Winston. He was still the same old man she remembered but now he carried an oxygen tank with him. And of course, she saw he was wearing his SAMCRO denim kutte.

Tara said nothing, just smiled wider, to the point her face began to burn. He looked her up and down suspiciously and then tilted his head.

"As I live and breathe, Knowles," he said, a smirk crossing his face.

"Mr. Winston," she nodded.

"You know I hate when you call me that," he grumbled.

"Sorry, hello Piney."

The old man, the one she remembered was nice to her, who used to drop her drunk father off at the house after he found him passed out at the bar. He seemed so rough around the edges, a little mean and brash even, but he would drag her father to the couch and then plop a bag of fast food on the table because he knew she hadn't eaten.

He pushed past his grandchildren and Donna, only stopping to give Tara a friendly pat on the arm. "Sorry about your old man."

"Thank you."

"Didn't get a notice for a service, so I'm guessing there wasn't one?"

"No," Tara felt heavy suddenly, feeling awful that she didn't get to bury her father. "There wasn't."

He nodded slowly. "You became a doctor, right?"

"Yes sir," she said and he nodded.

"Good," his smirk come out full force again, with a little bit of pride. "Come on Donna, gotta get home and take my meds," he said gruffly, walking to the register.

Donna hugged Tara again and as she did, she whispered, "You know, he's going to shit himself when he finds out you're back. See you around."

Donna moved back and gave Tara a knowing grin before heading off to the checkout lines. There was no need to try to figure out who she was talking about. They all knew.

Tara stood in the aisle a few minutes longer, trying to get herself together because she knew very well, the way the Charming Chatters worked, Jax might be outside her house when she got home tonight.

* * *

_One boring Saturday, she watched a special on PBS, some National Geographic shit on mating rituals, and she actually found it fascinating. The ways animals act, communicate, even smell when they find a mate, a genetic disposition burrowed deep with the cells, something that was instinctive and primal. She watched as lions dominated their mates, as birds circled theirs, even fish._

_All the animals do it, so they can __**do it**__, she thought._

_That was what she and Jax were doing now, performing a mating ritual, even if it was unbeknownst to them. _

_The ride home on that rainy afternoon was just charity work, an act of pity for a pathetic girl walking home, Tara assumed. She was sure Jax Teller did that type of stuff all the time, probably for some ass. Jax wasn't interested in her, and she surely wasn't interested in him either, even though, lately, she'd found him staring at her in the hall, or across the cafeteria. _

_The first time he did it, was during class exchange, and she was putting her books in her locker. It was a few days after the ride home. It was jarring for her, to look up from her locker just to scan the crowd, and find him looking straight at her, his ice blue stare not wavering at all that she caught him. Tara only held his gaze for a moment, before shutting her locker and heading the opposite way. She was shaken, not sure why he'd done that or if she was even sure he had. _

_Then, it became more frequent, even though there was days she wouldn't even see Jax. He'd be sitting at a table surrounded by his groupies pawing on him, and his face would look amused, but his eyes would be right on her. Or he would be outside with Opie and Opie's girlfriend, and as everyone filtered out of the school, Tara would see him watching her walk out. _

_She wondered why he was staring at her with all the bimbos hanging on his every word. Tara didn't feel like she was anything special, or at least she wasn't trying to be. She wasn't all made up like some of the other girls. Her jeans and chucks were just fine. She also never had a boyfriend. Her home life was unstable, she had other shit to worry about than being someone's girl. Besides, no one was interested in her. People barely saw her. That's why Teller's new found interest in her was a mystery. It was as if he was challenging her to acknowledge his staring. She always lost that game of chicken, she'd drop her head, or turn away, and when she looked back up he'd either be gone or onto his next conquest. _

_Though, Tara was equally guilty of seeking him out. She'd notice him in a crowded hallway. One can't afford to not notice Jax Teller. He was good looking, almost too good looking honestly to be a high schooler. He was tall, fit, blonde, with a bright smile, and perfect. He rode a fucking motorcycle at sixteen, for fuck sakes. Jax was obviously good at the game they were playing. He didn't hide, or turn away like she did. He was a master at this eye fuck thing, and she would have felt violated if she didn't feel so aroused. It wasn't so much creepy as it was intense. Every time they made eye contact, she felt something. _

_It was Friday and she'd been dreading going home. Her father got paid that morning, and she knew he'd probably already finished off two bottles of vodka. School let out two hours ago, but Tara decided she'd rather hang out under the bleachers than go home right now. The parking lots are empty, and the principal was already gone, so she felt comfortable enough to roll a joint and read a bit. The cool evening breeze made it comfortable; she plopped down her book bag, sat on it and toked up. _

_Her life had been so shitty the past few years, her father's drinking had gotten worse. Tara wondered had her father ever really been a good father, or was that all in her imagination? He decided to check out and worry about himself and his bottle of gin, leaving Tara to fend for herself. Hell her sixteenth birthday was last weekend, and he couldn't even roll over and grunt out an acknowledgement. _

_Tara didn't care though. She couldn't wait to grow the hell up and get out of Charming. There was nothing there for her except the memory of a dead mother, and the sins of a alcoholic father. She had no friends, she had nobody really. Just her and her books. That was her ticket out of this shit hole, a scholarship or something to a college far away. Hell, she'd even go to the East Coast if she got accepted..._

"_You ever heard of puff-puff-pass, Tara?" she heard his voice and jumped, shocked that anyone was there at this time of day._

_Yet there he was, standing next to the bleachers, smirking, his arms raised to hold onto the bleachers above him. No girls hanging off of him, which was a shock. Plus she was sure everyone had went home. With his arms raised like that, Tara could see his abs, and she wanted to grab her shit and run. _

_Tara shook off the nervousness that bubbled in her stomach, and tried to act nonplussed about his presence. Taking another hit, she shook her head. "Limited supply. Plus, I wouldn't want to get cooties."_

"_Cooties?" Jax looked confused and shoved his hands in his pockets. His shirt fell back down and she tried not to be disappointed not to see his abs anymore. "I know for a fact I don't have cooties."_

"_Herpes then," she said, shrugging. _

_That got him smiling. "Nope. Clean on that front too."_

"_I'll believe it when I see the paperwork," Tara smirked. She thought for a moment and then reached up, handing him the joint. "Where's your fanbase?"_

"_Who?" Jax plucked it from her fingers, their skin touching briefly._

"_Not used to seeing you without your jock strap supporters."_

_He took a hit, then another quick one before handing it back to her. "Ah. Everyone went home. I usually give them the weekends off to rest. My jock's kind of heavy."_

"_Such a class act,Teller."_

"_Always. Don't know if you know this, but...it's Friday."_

"_Oh I know it is, trust me," she said, taking a hit. _

_He studied her for a moment before kicking at a rock next to his foot. "You got plans?"_

_Tara tried not to look at him. She couldn't. This was the most he'd ever spoken to her and vice versa. She didn't want to be caught up like all the other girls in school. Giggling and simpering like his skank posse just because Jax Teller blessed them with his short attention span. _

_Instead she propped her book on her knees and took a long drag of her shrinking joint. "I plan to get high and finish this book."_

"_Wow," Jax sat next to her, but she tried to squelch her surprise. "I never would have guessed Tara Knowles got high. Regular bad ass."_

"_I'm a rebel soul," she replied, flipping the page. _

_Jax leaned forward and looked at the cover of her book. "Ayn Rand's writing is shit."_

_Tara looked at him bemused, clearly shocked. "Excuse me?"_

"_Never liked her work." He took the joint from her again and took a drag._

_She wasn't sure if she was shocked he read Ayn Rand or the fact that he could read at all. Pretty boy Teller didn't look like a reader. He wasn't even in school half the time. "I don't know, I kind of like it. Besides, once I start something, I have to finish it."_

"_I can respect that," he flashed her his coy smile, blowing the smoke from his perfect lips. Tara wanted to go drown herself because he was really good at this seduction thing she trying so hard to fight off. _

"_Do...you have plans?" she asked and immediately kicked herself. She shouldn't encourage this, whatever it was. _

"_I was going to work on my bike, then go the clubhouse, party, pass out, wake up, do it again tomorrow. But now I just want to go read some Ayn Rand. Maybe I underestimated that bitch."_

_There was the asshole she was waiting for. She looked at her book and then back at Jax Teller, who was doing that staring thing again. Except this time, he wasn't across the room and there was nowhere for her to run. He held her joint out to her and Tara rolled her eyes as she took it._

"_Why are you looking at me?"_

"_Am I?" he tilted his head._

"_Yeah, you've been looking at me a lot. Do I have something on my face? You got something you want to say?" she asked cheekily. The weed was making her bold. _

_Jax looked down at the circles he had been drawing in the dirt. "I wouldn't even know where to start."_

_Tara noticed when he said that, he was serious. She felt a flutter in her stomach. God, she was just like those groupies. She had to get out of here. She looked at the roach of the joint, "Well, this is done."_

"_Wait," he said, taking it from her. "We both can get this if you do it right."_

"_What?" she was confused._

"_Amateur. I'm going to take the hit and you lean close, so you can get some too," he said, positioning himself in front of her._

"_I don't understand," she shook her head. The close proximity was unnerving her._

"_Come here. This... is how people get cooties. Just inhale, 'kay?" Jax took a long drag and then gently placed his hands on either side of her head, pulling her towards him. _

_His lips got really close, like a kiss, but he stopped less than an inch away, and his mouth went to a "o" as he blew the smoke into Tara's mouth and nose. Tara's pulse raced and she opened her lips to inhale, her eyes lowering to his mouth. She sucked in the billow of smoke he blew out. As the it filled her lungs, she pulled away quickly to compose herself._

**Holy shit.**

_She had to get out of there before Jax Teller made her lose her mind. She jumped up, coughing on the thick smoke, grabbing her bag. "Um, I...I...have to go."_

"_Okay," he looked confused at her sudden need to leave. He pointed to his bike, "Want me to give you a ride?"_

"_N..no, I like to walk."_

"_I gathered that. You made that shit very clear last time," he said, leveling his blue eyes on her she stood there dumbfounded by the whole experience. _

"_I just..I gotta get home, I'll see you around," she muttered, chastising herself for saying that because she wasn't sure what the hell was happening between them. _

_Tara turned and walked quickly towards home. She would not be another notch on Jax Teller's bedpost. She heard of the way Jax Teller was with girls. She's seen some of it herself. She would not get caught up in his bad boy swagger. He was probably only interested in her because she was one of the few virgins in school and she was like a mystical unicorn. No way would Jax Teller be interested in her for real. Tara booked it out of there so fast, she didn't even see that she dropped copy of Fountainhead._

* * *

There was no Jax when she got home, no sounds of motorcycles at all. Just the silence she heard when she first entered the house a few days ago. The same silence she's heard every night. Tara checked her locks again, and the windows, before going to her father's room. She decided she wanted to stay in there now, no longer in her old room. She'd clear that out sooner or later. But for now, she'd settle for the clean cool sheets of her father's barely slept in bed.

Donna would no doubt tell Opie and Opie would probably mention it to Jax. But she wondered if he would even care. Would Opie even think it was worth letting Jax know she was back if Jax had moved on?

_God, she had to stop this_. She had to get some sleep.

She would start her new job tomorrow, and she wanted to be focused. She wouldn't ruin her career this time. She wouldn't embarrass herself and let her personal life affect everything she worked for. She would be professional, well rested, and on point for her new position.

She pushed all thoughts of Jax out of her mind as she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep.

* * *

"_You ever gonna invite me to one of those doctor things you go to?"_

_She looked at Josh, not knowing what he was talking about. "I'm sorry...what?"_

"_You know dinners? Parties? Don't doctors go to things like that? Mingle with other doctors?"_

_Tara shrugged. "Sometimes. But it's not really my style."_

"_I'd like to go," he called from his kitchen, after cleaning up their dinner plates. _

_They'd been dating for three weeks, and he had been pushing to meet her friends and colleagues for some reason. _

"_If I get invited to one, sure," she said, sipping her wine. _

_He came back in the room, and took her half full glass right out of her hand. "I'm serious, Tara. I'd like us to be a real couple."_

_She threw him a bewildered look after he took her wine glass. He was almost treating her like a child, like taking away her toy to punish her. Besides, to Tara, going to dinners and parties together does not make a relationship official. Introductions mean nothing. He could be her boyfriend today and ex-boyfriend tomorrow. But clearly introductions meant something to Josh._

"_Okay, but I'm not finished with that."_

_She reached for her glass when he walked away with it and back into the kitchen. "Josh, I wasn't finished with my wine."_

"_Time for dessert, Tara," he called back to her. "This isn't a dessert wine."_

_She suddenly lost her appetite._

* * *

The next day, Tara hit the mother load of reunions. She loved her new job, Margaret Murphy was clearly excited to have her there, giving her a detailed orientation and ending it with a tour of the hospital. The last leg of the tour was visiting the wing of ob-gyn offices, when she caught sight of the last person on earth, besides Josh, she wanted to see.

Gemma Teller-Morrow didn't look any different from the day Tara left. She was walking down the hall, glasses, tight pants, and heels, stomping like the small town queen bee she was. Behind her, another woman kept pace, but she was younger, and looked annoyed by Gemma. Tara had no where to hide, Margaret had asked her to wait there while she went to take care of a small problem. Tara didn't know where to run yet in this hospital.

So she stood there like a deer in headlights as Gemma descended upon her.

Gemma snatched her glasses off, and backed up, giving Tara a hard once over before turning to her.

Tara stood there and tried to smile, in her crisp scrubs and lab coat. Here she was, a grown woman, with a serious career, in demand at this hospital, and she was still afraid of this bitch.

"So you _are_ back," Gemma clucked, putting her glasses in her pocket and leveling a smirk on Tara.

"Hello, Gemma," Tara replied tightly.

"How was Chicago? Bring me a souvenir?"

Tara shook her head, wondering briefly how Gemma knew where she was. "I've missed you too."

Gemma snorted and looked to the woman standing beside her. "This is Wendy."

Tara smiled at the young woman, whose eyes looked shifty and tired. "Hi."

"Jax's wife," Gemma replied, and Tara didn't know how well she hid her reaction.

Wendy was pretty, long blonde curly hair, big eyes. Alot of makeup on her face. Biker chic body. She looked like someone who hung around the MC. Great, Tara thought, he reverted back to groupies. Jax was probably happy to find someone like him. She wondered if Jax went back to his old type.

"Nice to meet you," Tara said. She wasn't ready for this. She didn't sign up for this shit. It's been ten years and Gemma still liked to get her digs. Shit never changes. Where the hell was Margaret?

"Hi," Wendy said, waving a bit.

"Wendy, this is Jax's old high school sweetheart, Dr. Tara Knowles, the big city doctor. Charming's pride and joy," the venom in Gemma's words did not go unnoticed.

Tara stood back and just kept smiling. Wendy's smile dropped. She started sizing up Tara as well. Gemma's smug face only infuriated Tara. She loved rubbing this shit in.

"Yeah, we just left her prenatal appointment. Jax and Wendy are expecting. My first grandbaby. You'll be seeing her around here in the next few months."

Tara finally noticed Wendy's pregnant belly and the look of smug satisfaction on Gemma's face. Suddenly, the urge to punch something surged through her but she kept that fake smile on. "That's great! Congratulations Gemma. You too, Wendy. And...Jax!"

"Thanks," Wendy replied, looking at Gemma, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Yeah, it's a boy," Gemma poured salt on the wound.

"Oh?" Tara should have picked another town to flee to.

Anything was better than this torture.

Tara sighed in relief as she saw Margaret walking towards them. She needed to get away from this bitch before she stabbed her with a needle. "Um, I'm so sorry to cut this short, I have to go, but Gemma, always a pleasure. And nice meeting you, Wendy."

"Bye Doc, see you around," Gemma replied, putting her glasses back on and walking down the hall way. "Come on Wendy. Take you home to your husband."

Tara watched as Wendy looked at her again and then followed Gemma.

"You alright?" Margaret asked as she approached. She could probably see the tension in Tara's expression.

Tara nodded, and tried to compose herself. "Just excited to get started. Maybe a little exhausted from the move."

"I can only imagine. We're so happy to have you," Margaret said, enthusiastic. "Let me show you the offices."

Tara followed along, smiling and nodding at the right times. She tried to focus, tried to throw herself into her new life and new job, but being in an old place was proving difficult. The idea Jax being married didn't originally bother her. It hurt, but she was more curious than anything. However, knowing he was starting a family stung more than anything. He had truly moved on. She had to accept that. She had left his chaotic life in order to gain stability and here he was, with a wife and starting a family while Tara was sleeping with a gun under her pillow. The tables sure have turned. Tara tried her best to wish happiness for Jax, but it proved difficult. Instead she was jealous, hurt, and her heart was broken.

**Next up: Jax finds out Tara is back.**


	10. Chapter 10:Guarded Condition

The threshold for one's propensity for violence always amazed and terrified Tara.

She'd been afraid of a man whose love turned violent, a man who outwardly stood for righteousness and justice, but behind closed doors struck her and hurt her because of rejection. She'd been witness to the way his eyes would grow cold and try to to strip her down. His particular violence made her so afraid, she flew across country to get away from him. But maybe men like that have surrounded her her entire life. Tara grew up in fear that one day her drunk father would cross that line and strike her, and though he never did, he'd come close. Instead he'd fling a plate or glass against the wall near her, and to her the fear of him coming close was worse than hitting her.

With all this past trauma, shouldn't she be afraid of any and all acts of aggression? Maybe. But she's not, instead she today watched with a morbid fascination, a devastated father sob in the arms of his wife as hospital security guards stood nearby just in case. Her heart went out to the man, of course. But she empathized with his visceral reaction.

Tara had consulted on the case with Dr. Namid, and when it was clear the prognosis wasn't positive, she stood nearby as the doctor delivered the blow. In the middle of the waiting room, she witnessed the father being told his newborn daughter's heart was failing, and his reaction was to punch a hole in the hospital wall and yell obscenities. Dr. Namid stood back and let the man grieve, while Tara tried not to focus on the hole in the wall. She herself was not a mother, she could have been, but she wasn't...however, she totally understood where this man was coming from. Losing a child, or the thought of losing a child, that type of pain can't be contained to simple crying. Sometimes, you just needed to punch the fuck out of something. Sometimes, you wanted to make something feel as shitty as you do. What does that say about her?

A surgeon is more than technical expertise. She has to want this patient to live. She wanted all her tiny patients to live. That's why she became a doctor, a healer, in order to fix the problem. But she was unable to mend this tiny heart. She felt worthless then, useless and a failure to boot. Dr. Namid would tell her she was overcompensating, she alone could not save everyone. She knew she couldn't, didn't make her feel any less shitty. Maybe her need to save lives, came from old wounds. She tried to pull him to her, keep him safe and loved, but fate had other plans. She failed him. She actually broke his heart instead of mending it.

Tara believed in doing no harm, and her primary goal is to protect the life of her patients. But when you can't save them or yourself, where do you turn? Who helps you then? She walked into the hospital locker room, shut the door and cried for that man and his family. She cried for herself, for her being back in Charming, for her feeling so lost, angry, scared, and hurt all of the time.

* * *

It had been two weeks, and she was certain Jax knew she was back. Unser had made a special point to show up at her father's house, saying it was a friendly call. The man looked worse for wear, and their conversation was polite and short as he welcomed her back and told him to let her know if she needed anything. He mentioned Hale as his deputy and said Hale seemed a little excited to know Tara was back as well. She just nodded and looked off into the distance when she heard the sound of motorcycles a couple of streets over.

"I'm sure Hale ain't the only one excited," he said, shaking his head as she blushed from embarrassment. He'd seen her vulnerability.

"What?" _When all else failed, play stupid._

"Ya know, for a while after you left, he didn't do so well," Unser replied, pointing off in the distance. "Every week, I was dragging his ass in for foolish shit."

Tara crossed her arms, and sighed. "I'm sure Gemma blamed every minute of that on me. Regardless, we've both grown up, moved on. He's married. Expecting a baby...or so I've heard."

"Yeah, well, Ossie and Harriet, they ain't. Trust me. But maybe he's happy. Not sure though. Wendy's a nice girl but she's not June Cleaver. Got a history of drug problems. Was just in rehab a while ago."

She frowned. _Jax married a junkie? Gemma sanctioned that shit?_ Unser's gossip made her uneasy and she didn't know why he was casually sharing the information. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"The baby might change things though. People think that shit, that babies will make it better, and sometimes, babies make things even worse."

Tara gave a tight smile. "I'm just happy to be back."

Unser stepped towards his police cruiser. "We're all glad you're back. The real reason I stopped by was I got a few complaints this last week about someone speeding down this street on a motorcycle at ungodly hours."

She tried to control her breathing and heart rate. She had no idea. She hadn't heard them anywhere near her home. If he had...he'd been stealthy about it. Soon, he'd show his face. So she shrugged in response.

Unser nodded, "Let me know if you hear or see anything."

Regardless of that little tidbit from Unser, Jax hadn't appeared to her and she didn't know if she wanted him to. Instead, she threw herself into her job. She put the gun she had been sleeping with away the closet wrapped in a towel. The fear of Josh hadn't subsided one bit, but her first step to gaining her life back was to try to push that fear aside. Tara knew she had to let go of the past- the horrible traumatic past, and move forward.

Jax was married and having a baby. It was none of her gotdamned business why he hadn't seen her. It was obvious why. Whatever they felt, not matter how intense and connected it had been, hadn't survived time. She couldn't save that. She couldn't mend what she had broke. She was a failure in all aspects of her life, in love and in medicine. She just wanted to feel good about something for once, have something turn out right. But everything she touched crumbled. These were the moments she desperately needed to punch the fuck out of something.

* * *

_Jax Teller grew up kicking ass. One would expect that from a kid who grew up in a motorcycle gang. She'd witnessed him in fights since elementary school. He was just a volatile kid, even though he was a pretty boy and one would not expect him to be so angry. To be honest, there wasn't a grade she could remember where Jax's fists didn't smash into someone's face. Sometimes, he would attack in retaliation, his opponents always underestimated him. Sometimes, he'd strike first and fierce. Rarely did he lose. Opie might step in every once and awhile to even things out, but mostly it was Jax beating the shit out of some one. _

_It occurred to Tara that Jax just liked to fight._

_It was strange to see a different side of him other than the fighter, now that he had started to actively pursue her. She still approached him with caution, but slowly he was breaking down those walls she had built. Jax was even taking down a few of his own. He told her about his little brother Thomas, who passed away and a bit about his dad. He didn't treat her like he treated the other girls, Jax was very attentive, very gentle and sweet with her. When he returned her copy of _Fountainhead_, he had dog-eared a few pages and asked her why Ayn Rand felt the need to fuck up a perfectly good set up with her bullshit eloquence. She laughed at that, and he did that sexy thing where he bit his lip and told her he liked her laugh, and then asked could he give her a ride home. She refused and kept refusing every time after that, but he'd always ask. Then one day, he told her he'd walk with her if he had to. _

_He'd gone out of his way to interact with her, to the chagrin of his pussy posse. They didn't have classes together, she was in honors, and with Jax's attendance, he was barely in basics. But in the hall, at lunch, in the library, he'd always find her. Opie would be nearby, an inquisitive look on his face whenever Jax talked to her. Like he found that shit amusing. Perhaps he wasn't used to seeing his friend invested in the pursuit. The girls didn't understand Jax's interest in her. He was good at the lovey-dovey shit, even as a sixteen year old. He was handsome, with a perfect smile, blue sparkling eyes, kissable lips, and every thing a girl would want. Tara was just suspicious of his intentions for that very reason. _

_He jogged up to her while she was walking home one day and she rolled her eyes but kept walking. _

"_Stalking me now, Teller?"_

"_I'm just enjoying this nice weather and exercising," he gave a smug grin as he trailed beside her. "You walk fast. You should think about joining the track team."_

"_I would never run unless something's chasing me."_

"_You were pretty fucking fast a few weeks ago, when you ran away from me. I think I saw skid marks."_

"_Had to go home. Besides, I'm sure you had better things or people to do."_

_He stopped and put his hands in his pocket. "Why do you always say things like that?"_

_She stopped as well. Was he serious? His mojo was infamous. His schtick was consistent. "Get-the-panties" Teller was trying to act sensitive about her weariness of him? _

"_Are we gonna act like you haven't banged half of the girls in my PE class?"_

"_No," he gave a small smile. "But even if I did, I'm not trying to do that with you."_

_Tara frowned, not sure why she was disappointed in his answer. "Great."_

_As she turned to walk away again, he walked quickly to catch up to her. "What I mean is...shit, I don't know what I mean. I just...I like you, Tara. Like alot."_

_She tossed him a look. "This is weird."_

"_Why? What's so weird?"_

"_This!" she said, pointing between them. "A few weeks ago you were making out with Kelsey Lee in the hallway. I saw it, hell everyone saw it!"_

"_You were watching me?" he smirked._

"_Focus please," she huffed. "I've seen you. You go from girl to girl. What, did you decide to escalate and go for nerds? I don't fuck so you can cheat off my tests."_

"_Who said anything like that?" he asked, disgusted, then turned her towards him. "I'm not interested in you so you can help my grades. Jesus Christ, Tara. Why don't you think someone could want you?" _

_Tara looked down and then over to passing cars. Because no one did want her. Her father didn't even want her. "I...I..."_

_Jax stepped forward, surprising Tara with his close proximity. "If I have to try and convince you everyday, I will. You're a pretty cool chic, Tara. I don't know what's making me like you so much, but I do. Maybe if you let me walk you home, I can give you a whole list of reasons why I want you."_

"_Like I said, this is weird," she said quietly._

"_Maybe, but this is our weird shit, you know," he said, reaching for her hand, his fingers slowly slipping into hers. She looked down at them and them back up to him. "I'm down for weird shit. Look at me, I got a bad ass bike, but here I am walking with you. Shit perplexes me too."_

_When they arrived at her neighborhood, she looked at her house and then back to their linked hands. _

"_Here we are," she said, sad the walk had ended. They had talked the whole way there, making small talk, getting to know each other._

_Jax lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckle, causing a shiver to go down her spine. Then he pulled her towards him, and looked in her eyes, smiling. "Tara, I...I like you. That's all I want to say. I'll follow your lead and I promise...I'm not gonna hurt you."_

_She nodded and her breath hitched as he leaned forward and gave her the lightest of kisses. Just like that, she was gone. Tara responded immediately, pushing back with a little pressure, and closing her eyes. He tasted like mint and menthol, and it was intoxicating. She hadn't kissed a boy before, but the way she responded didn't show it. He swiped his tongue against her bottom lip but didn't push further. She didn't know if it was her or him, but someone moaned. Jax was certainly skilled at kissing. He took her plump bottom lip and lightly pulled at it with his teeth and she only fell deeper. Then Jax pulled back a little and smiled, then leaned in again and pecked her softly. _

"_We have an audience," he whispered, nodding to her window. They released each other's hand and she saw her father peering out of the window, watching them. She pulled back immediately._

"_Shit," she sighed as she gripped the straps of her book bag. _

"_You gonna be okay?"_

"_Yeah," she replied. Her father dropped the curtain back into place and she was sure he was going to go off when she got inside. He was probably too drunk to make it to the porch and yell at them both._

"_See you at school?"_

_She nodded and he gave her his trademark grin as he walked backwards and turned to go back the way they came. _

_When she entered the house, the smell of cigarettes and whiskey hit her nose. _

"_What're you doin' with that Teller thug?" he slurred, propped on the couch._

"_Nothing," she replied, picking up the paper plates and trash he'd littered on the floor. "He walks me home sometimes."_

"_And puts his tongue in your gotdamned mouth," her father said gruffly. "You keep away from that boy. He's bad news. He's chasing tail. That boy's nothing but trouble. A thug just like the rest of his lot. I can look at him and tell."_

_Tara looked at the trash in her hands and back to her father, barely able to keep his eyes open. She just received her first kiss, and had a guy tell her he was into her, only to come home and pick up her father's shit. For once, she felt worth something, felt engaged, renewed, cared for, and leave it to her father to fuck that feeling up. Maybe her father was right, everyone in town knew the Tellers and their friends were bad news. But everyone in town knew she was the drunk's kid, so she couldn't judge. Jax was as brutal as he was benevolent, and that mixture proved to be an intense aphrodisiac for Tara. But as she should be, she was conflicted about everything to __do with Jax._

* * *

_They were making out after watching a movie. Tara had one too many glasses of wine, and that tends to loosen her inhibitions, and despite her reservations about Josh, she yearned for physical contact. It had been so long since she had someone's lips on her like that, probably college, that she wasn't trying to think of who was kissing her, just the fact she was being kissed. He moved from her neck to her ear, and then hungrily attacked her lips. His kisses were sloppy, if she had to describe them, but the wine told her to stop critiquing and just enjoy it. She leaned her head to the side and he shoved his tongue in her mouth. She abruptly broke off the kiss. _

"_Josh..." it made her uncomfortable, but he reached for the back of her neck and drew her back to him._

_Before she could protest, his tongue was back in her mouth and she tried to pull away. Josh, in return, bit down on her bottom lip._

"_What the fuck! Josh!" she yelped, pulling back, the metallic taste of her blood on her tongue._

_He smiled at her, "Sorry I got carried away. You do that to me Tara."_

_He whispered the last part, as if he was seductive, but Tara was too angry to care. Josh tried to lean back in, but she pulled completely away, disturbed by his aggressiveness. He looked at her, clearly confused by her response, as she hopped up and rushed to the bathroom._

"_Tar-Tar-"_

"_That fucking hurt, Josh," she hissed, shutting the door behind her. _

_She looked at her bitten lip in the mirror and frowned. He did that on purpose, drew blood. Tara took a washcloth and wiped the blood, and even though it wasn't deep or swollen, it was a clear sign of dominance that made her uncomfortable. Washing the blood off, she stormed out of the bathroom and grabbed her jacket._

"_Where are you going? The movie's still on," Josh asked._

"_Home, I'm tired," she said, slipping her jacket on._

"_Tara..." he sighed and stood up. "Look, sorry if that was weird. It's something I'd just thought you'd like."_

"_Well it's not," she muttered. "Don't know what gave you that idea."_

_Josh reached out to hold her hand. "I'm sorry. I just...I got carried away. Touching you. I have so much passion when I'm with you, I just...I need to check it."_

_Tara looked at him and frowned, releasing her hand. "Yeah, um, I have surgery in the morning."_

"_Are we gonna be okay?" he asked. "Seriously Tara. I would never hurt you."_

_She nodded and sighed. Maybe she was overreacting. So what he had a masochistic side, they all did. "Okay. I'm fine. I'm just going home. Watch the movie another time?"_

_"Alright," he replied sadly. "Want me to see you home?"_

_She shook her head and opened the door. "I can find my way home. Night Josh."_

* * *

_One day, there was lot of commotion out in the quad. She rolled her eyes as people ran down to see, because she was sure it was a fight and blood sport wasn't her thing. Unfortunately though, she had to walk that way for class. As Tara pushed her way through the crowd, she saw three upperclassmen wailing on one scrawny guy, another sophomore. She knew the fight wasn't fair, and she was actually angry at everyone standing around cheering it on, but she couldn't stop it either. Instead she was watched in horror as Lowell Harland Jr. took a punch to the chin and stumbled back towards where Tara stood._

_From what she knew of Lowell, he was like her, bad home environment, quiet, a kid most people pitied. His father was infamous for being a wife and child beater, and then suddenly he abandoned his family and left town. That devastated Lowell, but unfortunately, everyone in town was still reeling from John Teller's death that they didn't have time to see the boy was hurting. _

_But he couldn't have done anything to deserve this type of beat down. Lowell would never hurt a fly, and these guys where just being high school shit heads. _

_She stepped forward, not knowing where the boldness in her was coming from. Maybe she was just tired of people like her and Lowell being victims. "Hey, leave him alone, asshole!"_

_They continued to pound him right at her feet. She screamed, "I said stop!"_

_Tara didn't know how to stop it, but she had to try. She pushed at one of the guys with her binder, and he reached up and pushed her back to the crowd. Before she could even become indignant, Jax and Opie had made their way through the circle of kids to observe the fight. Jax almost looked amused, until he took one look at Lowell sprawled on the floor, and Tara being shoved, and immediately lost his shit._

"_The fuck is this?!" The boys stopped beating Lowell and looked at an enraged Teller stepping forward out the crowd._

"_This ain't your business Teller!"_

"_Did you just push her?" he growled, pointing at Tara. He dropped his book bag. "I think you fucking did."_

_Lowell took relief from his beating, and touched the blood dripping from his lip._

_Jax stepped towards the boys. "Yeah, this is my fucking business."_

_With little warning, he threw a punch so hard, the sound of his fist cracking Jamie William's face could be heard over the yelling. He wailed on him several more times, and Jamie crumpled immediately. The other two upperclassmen went to push Jax off, but he recovered quickly, shoving them back. He swung and hit Dillon McDogel in the ribs. Larry Tate got a couple of good punches in, but Jax tackled him and proceeded to pound his face in._

_Opie appeared behind him and the guys looked as if they had to think their next move through seriously. Tara couldn't move. She was frozen, watching him this way. Jax looked crazed, his blue eyes got brighter and wider, and Tara no longer saw the same eyes that sparkled at her on the walk home, but one who wanted to rip someone's throat out._

"_You put your hands on my girl, bitch?!" he yelled, and Larry whimpered. Jax grabbed his collar, shaking him. "Picking on Lowell? It's all my business."_

_His fist raised and came down one more time. _

"_Jax, security's coming. Let's go," Opie pulled him off. _

"_Piece of shit," Jax growled as he stood up. _

_The two other guys decided they were done, and grabbed Jamie and skittered away, leaving a disappointed crowd, and Jax stood there, triumphant yet still aggressive in their wake. He glared at their backs as the crowd dispersed, turning to signal for Opie to check on Lowell while he walked over to Tara, who was clutching her binder, in shock._

_His hands immediately went to either side of her face, his thumbs stroking her cheeks. "Are you okay?"_

_She nodded and softly replied, "Yeah, they just pushed me a little."_

"_I'm going to break his arm next time I see him." His eyes told her he had every intention of doing just that._

"_Lowell..." she nodded towards the broken boy._

"_We'll take of him. He's a friend. No one will mess with him."_

"_Jax, now," Opie grunted, pulling Lowell up. "Come on."_

_Jax dropped his hands and she got a good glimpse of his bruised face. She nervously reached up and brushed his cheek. He didn't seem to feel a thing. "Look, I gotta go. I'll catch you later?"_

_Jax leaned in and kissed her lips briefly before moving away with Opie and Lowell. Tara watched him leave and touched her lips. She was definitely going into shock or something. Jax Teller had called her his girl in front of everyone. Then he proceeded to beat the ass of the guy who pushed her. _

_When did she become his? They were building up to something, but she wasn't sure what, yet he announced she was his girl. Strangely, Tara wasn't bothered by that. As fucked up as it sounds- despite the fact that he just savagely raged on three people, the way he turned down the monster inside of him and kissed her...made him even hotter to Tara. _

* * *

Tara was tired. All she wanted to do was go home and collapse in her bed. After saying goodbye to the night nurse staff, she walked out the back entrance of St. Thomas towards her car. When she saw him, her heart rate went up immediately. He leaned against his bike right near the steps, smoking a cigarette, no doubt waiting for her.

She hesitated a bit, before walking toward him because she wasn't sure if she was ready. She hadn't been expecting him tonight, unlike the other nights. She had resigned to him moving on.

"Jax?"

He took one drag of his cigarette and smiled, dropping the cigarette to the ground and stomping it with his feet. The smoke billowed above him, creating a misty affect. _Fuck_...he looked better than she remembered. He'd filled out a bit, still young looking, glowing almost, but he was definitely a man now. His hair was like she remembered it, maybe a little longer. And of course, she recognized it immediately, he had on the leather kutte he always wanted. Jax was SAMCRO. What shocked her even more was how he just as beautiful as they day she left. That made her nervous as hell right now. Even in the dark night, with only the parking lot lighting, Tara noticed bruising on his hands, a familiar sight. He'd been fighting. The bruises were deep purple, recent. His face was still perfect though. He'd obviously been the one whooping someone else's ass. Standing under the parking lot light, Jax looked like every bit of the angel he wasn't, waiting for her.

Jax shrugged and batted his eyes playfully, "The nurses here are really friendly. Don't mind giving out your schedule and where you park if someone asks nicely."

"I'll talk to security about that," she said, giving a shy smile.

He stepped forward and enveloped her in a light hug. It wasn't the way he used to hug her, but it was more nervous, tentative. She put her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes, breathing him in. It all came flooding back. First kisses, hand holding, hugging, touching, the feel of his skin against hers. It violently came rushing back into her veins and into her head and she tried to stifle her reaction to it. They had ten years of separation and hurt between them. But being so close to him again, shattered her. His arms around her became overwhelming. She tried her best to keep her composure as she settled against him.

"Hi Tara," he breathed into her ear.

"Hi Jackson."

After a small squeeze, he pulled back and shoved his hands in his pocket. "I figured, I'd stop by and say hi. Ya know, since half the town knew you were back and kept telling me everyday."

Tara chuckled. "Yeah, sorry if that makes things awkward."

"You know how this place is."

"Yeah, I know," she replied. They stared at each other for a long awkward moment, both accessing how to engage the other. What do you say to your long lost love of your life?

She looked down at her simple white shoes, trying to compose herself. What does she say to him? Sorry that she left? She hasn't and won't stop thinking about him? Does he think of her, sometimes? Every single relationship she's had since him as been shit? So many things flooded her thoughts, and she wanted to expose them all, lay them bare before him but she also knew she shouldn't.

He shifted and looked at her. "I'm so sorry about your dad."

"Thank you," she said softly.

"I thought maybe I'd see you at his funeral. Pay my respects. But there wasn't one...so..."

"My cousin had him cremated. It's a long story."

"Ah," he looked at her sympathetically. "How you doing with it?"

"Well, you know he was such a great dad and all," she snorted.

"Yeah," Jax shrugged. "Doesn't make it hurt any less."

"No it doesn't," she wanted to change the subject. Jax was very aware of her relationship with her father. If anyone knew what she went through, it was him. He was the calm for her in the middle of that shit storm. "I...I heard you were going to be a dad. Congratulations."

Jax didn't smile, he actually grimaced a bit at her words. "Um, yeah. Thanks. How'd you-"

"I met Wendy. Gemma, she introduced us when I first got back," Tara tried to gauge his reaction, but he kept his face blank.

"Yeah, of course she did," he rolled his eyes.

It was so awkward, she doesn't ever remember it being so awkward between them. He had things he clearly wanted to say, and she did too, but they were skirting all that crap for pleasantries. He looked at her intensely, and she felt like there was so much behind his eyes. The day he didn't show up at the airport devastated her, she felt like a romantic movie reject. He was supposed to come with her, so they could be better people together and away from Charming. Now she didn't know much about him as adult Jax and though she felt a connection still, she wasn't sure what to do with it.

She went to say something, maybe ask him if he wanted some coffee or a drink, when his phone rang. He looked at the screen and frowned, then looked apologetically back up to her.

"I gotta be somewhere," he said abruptly, putting the phone back in his pocket. "Sorry."

"Yeah, okay," she replied. "Well..."

Jax walked backwards to his bike, then turned and flashed her a smile. "I'm sure I'll see ya around, Knowles."

She shrugged. "Maybe."

He nodded, and climbed on his bike as he smugly replied, "I think I will."

Tara tried not to smile too big as he drove past her and into the night. When he was out of sight, she shook the mass of confusion from her head, and sat down on the steps to regain her composure.

**A/N: Hope you are enjoying the story. Kohn will show up in the present again and there will be trouble for Tara.**


	11. Chapter 11:Undetermined Condition

**There's sex in this chapter. Giggity...**

* * *

After seeing Jax, it took everything in her body not to chase him down. Those feelings made her hate herself. She wasn't a desperate woman, and she'd always been alone in one way or another. Except with him. And there it was, she never felt alone, vulnerable or afraid with him. Jax had centered her, and in the few minutes he held her under the parking lot light, she felt it again. She had never been able to fully let him go and that was something she struggled with all the time. Especially now, with the knowledge that Jax had a family and moved on.

She's seen him everywhere now. Or the phantom of him. She'd be at a gas station and watch him zoom by, unaware of her. She'd be at a small cafe in town and see him dismount his bike with his club behind him and walk into a building. Tara felt on fire every time she saw him. One time she was in Edmonds when he strolled in and spotted her right away. He sauntered over to her, that Jax smile on a hundred watts, and pointed at the items in her basket.

"Can you cook now?"

"I could always cook," she rolled her eyes, smirking at his mocking. She wasn't sure if he was merely joking or flirting.

"I didn't say burn, I said cook."

"I can boil water," she replied, trying to control the feelings welling up in her. God, she was turning into a puddle just standing next to him.

Jax playfully shrugged, then pulled two cans of soup off the shelf and dropped one in her basket.

She looked at him quizzically and he just smiled, tossing up and catching the can in his hand.

"Microwave is safer."

Then he winked at her and walked to the register, leaving her there, pining for more like a god damn school girl. He looked at her once more before leaving the store, but she tried not to make eye contact. She busied herself with looking at cereal she would never buy until she heard his bike pull off. Then she stood in the aisle like an idiot, face flushed, breathing out of control. _Damn him_. She hated how he could always walk away and not express any of the tension she was feeling.

His hold on her was just as strong as ever, and that had Tara's mind spinning. _How could someone hold you to them when they aren't even physically with you?_ Jax always held a special place in her heart, no question. First love dies hard. She was so young, yet her feelings for him were always stronger than anything she ever experienced. She could say she loved him even more than her father. At least Jax made her feel like more than just a burden.

Her relationship with Jax had developed at light speed. He had become more than her boyfriend; he was her touchstone, her lover, her family, and her best friend. When she left Charming, left him, it broke her way more than she allowed herself to realize. Tara had always thought she was strong and with the distance and time, she would get over Jax and Charming. She was determined to make that happen. But as months and years past, and other lovers and friends filtered in and out of her life, Jax remained. Jax remained inside this closed part of Tara, a part she reserved only for him. She closed off a place in her soul and refused to let anyone else into that place. It was _his_. She was his, once.

In Chicago, when the nurses would chatter and gossip about their boyfriends and crushes, Tara would stiffen and try to smile, feigning empathy to their dramatic petty relationships. She hadn't been able to relate to their predicaments, as her time was spent reading medical books and taking extra shifts. But ever so often, she would peek into that closed off place and find herself smiling. Those nurses didn't know a love like the one she experienced. Hadn't had someone like Jax, who'd put his hands on either side of their face and stare with want right into their eyes. Hadn't had a man tell them they were beautiful and meant it right down to every cell in their body. Didn't know the love of a man that made them shiver simply from memory.

With Josh, she had tried to grow up, ignore the feelings pulling her in every direction but towards him. She wanted to believe that she could move on, that she could love someone as much as she ever allowed herself love _him_. But Josh made it difficult. Tara knew obsessive love. She had it within her. She was obsessed with all things Jax Teller and vice versa. But she never felt like that love was destructive and damaging. With Josh, his obsession with her was counterpoint to her resistance of him. It wasn't alluring or all consuming. Her obsession with Jax stemmed from her ability to be her whole self around him, to experience a happiness and freedom she never had before. Jax's fingers all over her, within her, his mouth on hers, those things made her soar high above all the bullshit of drunk daddies, tests, judging eyes, and loneliness. With Josh, he sought to control her. To keep her tethered to him and only him. That wasn't love.

That was prison.

* * *

_She focused on her ceiling fan, the soft sounds of the blades slicing through the air. She wasn't afraid, she just wanted a distraction because she'd read enough books to know the first time you had sex hurts. Jax was hovering over her, his hair shorter now that his mother made him get a haircut, but he looked just as beautiful as ever. He's concentrating on slipping on the condom, and she's taking the moment they aren't touching to ready herself._

_The first time was going to hurt. _

_She's fooled around and touched Jax enough to know he's substantial in size for his age, that he's incredibly hard and ready, and she's expecting it to be painful. They'd made it this far, six months without sex, and Tara finally felt that it was time. She herself had grown beyond simple heavy petting and groping; she needed to feel him everywhere. When she whispered she wanted him after a particularly intense make out session, he pulled back a little and stared at her, blue meeting green. His lips brushed against her ear as he whispered, "Are you sure?"_

_She let her hands show him how sure she was. Now he was poised at the ready, laying between her milky thighs, his body hard against hers. He was waiting, watching her. Watching her eyes focus beyond his shoulder, focusing on something behind him, above him._

"_Babe," He dipped his head to that sensitive spot on her neck, his lips soft and pressing hot on her skin. "Are you really sure?"_

"_Yes," she said simply, allowing her fingers to move on the skin of his back again, drawing him in even closer. She could feel him on her thigh, hard, pulsing, and waiting._

"_Look at me," he requested in a tender voice, almost breaking. She never thought she'd experience that, Jax Teller, the sexual savant, begging her to look at him. "Look at me, Tara."_

_Her eyes moved to his face, so close it's almost out of focus. She looked at him, her lips red and swollen, slightly parted. She was unable to speak, scared to say anything, because she didn't want to ruin the moment. Tara needed to be here, to feel this. Her time with Jax had been the best time of her life, and she'd give him anything, including her virginity and her love. Jax had taught her how to be herself, how to love herself, love him, and let him love her. He was her teacher, and this was going to be his best lesson. Tara needed to take a moment, to look beyond the heat and passion of the situation, and to realize what this all meant. _

_She was about to give herself to Jackson Teller. _

_She was hyper aware, of Jax, of the heat between them, of the cool sheets on her back, the air from the fan, and the silence of the house because her father was in the drunk tank tonight. Jax hadn't pressured her, only meant to lay with her as she tried to get over her anger over her father embarrassing her again. But laying with him, letting him hold her just took over all of her emotions. She needed him, needed him in a way she couldn't explain or put off any longer. _

_Jax's blue eyes were burning into hers and he leaned down to kiss her fully; his hands were snaking up her sides, taking her hands in his and placing them around his neck. She linked her hands and dissolved into the kiss, the torturous slowness of it, the feel of his tongue massaging hers was overwhelming. _

_He moaned loudly, and then she felt him reach down between them, guiding himself to her. Her eyes closed, and she listened for the fan again, as she felt him push deeper and deeper inside of her. The invasion, as uncomfortable as it was, didn't make her want to stop, it made her want him to push further-faster._

_She sucked in her breath, and he pressed his forehead against her and heavily breathed out, "I love you."_

_Before she could reciprocate, she felt him fill her; the pain was there and gone before she could register it. She gasped involuntarily and her fingers dug into his shoulder blades._

"_It's okay, baby, it's okay," he whispered, kissing her again and moving to her neck. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."_

_It was only when he kissed the tear running down her cheek did she realize she was crying. "I know," she whispered._

_Jax held his position, allowing her to adjust to him, but soon, she felt him slowly pull back and then shallowly move forward again. She slammed her eyes shut, the pain was there again, then it wasn't, and now there was something else. Tension...but a good kind. His breathing was heavy and he tilted his head back a little, his eyes slightly closed. He was moving, and moving, and she could feel the slickness of her skin on his. Tara let her heavy lids part a bit, looking at his face as he made love to her, noticing his eyelashes were blonder than she ever realized. _

"_Oh god," he whimpered, and pushed her deeper into the mattress. _

_She looked in wonder at his face, his beautiful face, and wondered what he was thinking. She knew Jax wasn't a virgin, this was far from his first time, but he seemed swept away by it more than she understood. His eyes were closed and his bottom lip in between his teeth as he pumped into her, his fingers on one hand kneading her skin, the other hand, intertwined in her hair, gently fisting it. _

_She felt the tension building, the movement somewhere deeper than he even was, the pit of her stomach tightening and coiling as he moved above her. _

"_Jax," she cried out a little, she wasn't there, whatever she's feeling wasn't there yet, but she felt something._

"_Yea, babe...oh fuck," he groaned into her ear, changing angles and completely devouring her mouth. She's gone. She was reaching the edge and she could feel herself dangling over it, a tingling feeling shoots through her, everywhere, even her finger tips._

_She sucked in a deep breath, and suddenly another, until she was panting and moaning louder than she ever thought possible. Jax, who had been so gentle at first, had hit a stride, and it was evident considering how her headboard banged repeatedly against the wall. She loved him, loved him, loved him so much and this was just another way she could show it. Now he had something she could and would never give anyone else, and he was making her remember it with every stroke and every kiss._

_Her eyes were wide open now, looking at the ceiling above her, past that, towards the sky...thanking whatever god or deity made Jax for her._

* * *

_"How'd you hook up with this loser?"_

_Jay Richardson was an agent like Josh, and had invited them to his home for a dinner. Josh bugged her for weeks to go, and finally she relented because couples do things like go to dinner with other couples. Jay and his wife were nice, white bread people with vanilla lives, right down to the cardigan and khakis Jay wore. His wife Lindsey, had a smile permanently etched on her face, and Tara felt like she was in the twilight zone._

_Lindsey handed Tara a glass of wine and sat on the couch next to her husband. They were both waiting for a romantic story and all Tara had to offer them is how she was forced to go to a bar and Josh happened to be there. Josh touched her knee expectantly, and she took a sip of the wine to calm her nerves and smiled._

_"Still trying to figure that out myself."_

_The couple laughed and Josh chuckled and took a sip of his wine. He patted her knee again and glanced sideways at her as if he was still expecting her to answer._

_"We, uh...met at a bar," she said, clearing her throat._

_"Uh oh," Jay laughed and Josh chuckled._

_"It's not like that!" Josh shook his head. "Tar-Tar here was just so beautiful, prettiest girl in the room. Sitting all by herself. Like she was waiting for me," Josh added. "To think I wasn't going to even go that night. I wanted to do paper work. But I ended up going and look at what I found."_

_Tara fought the urge to roll her eyes._

_"It was meant to be," he said, looking at her intensely._

_Lindsey and Jay took in the couple and said "Aw!"_

_Tara however, wanted to run away. Josh making their introduction sound so mythical and beautiful was just too much. It wasn't that way at all, and Tara had a hard time acting as if she was as enthralled with him as he was with her._

_She took another sip of her wine._

_"You got a good one here, Tara. Best agent in the field, " Jay pointed._

_Tara wondered why him having a stellar ATF record would matter as far as a relationship._

_"She knows," Josh moved his arm to engulf Tara and pull her to him. "Never been this happy. Have you, Tara?"_

_She looked over to him, and couldn't shake or nod her head. She didn't want to hurt Josh or embarrass him. But she couldn't lie either. She had been happy once, a long time ago with a different person. In a different time, where they were meant to be._

* * *

Her shift ended and Tara was dead on her feet. She just wanted to get home, shower, and collapse in a heap on her bed. Anyone whose shift ended at 2 am would agree. She climbed into her rental car and headed back towards home. The streets of Charming were almost abandoned, and the darkness of the night wasn't helping her stay alert. She turned on the radio and switched between stations until she found some music she could tolerate. Pulling up to a red light, Tara tapped her fingers against the steering wheel and regarded her surroundings. Her eyes landed on a spot that gave her bad vibes, one that she repeatedly had to go into and drag her father out.

The Hairy Dog looked just as gross as ever, with Charming's unsavory milling outside. She shook her head, angry the place was still standing when she noticed something near the side entrance. She'd seen a woman, blonde and curly, talking to a guy, rubbing her arms and rocking back and forth. The man towered over the woman and shook his head but she seemed to have convinced him of something because he opened the side door and let her in. Tara glared at the scene, and only noticed the light turned green when a car behind her honked. She pulled forward, moving slower than the trailing car liked, but she was pretty sure who she just witnessed go into the side entrance of the bar.

There was no mistaking the pregnant belly she was sporting. She just saw Wendy Case.

* * *

Gemma Teller-Morrow was not someone she felt compelled to endear herself to. She had tried, relentlessly tried to make Gemma like her. Nothing was more important to her than getting on the good side of Jax's mother, but that side was hidden and locked away and Tara didn't know how to find it. She was respectful, courteous, and tried to mind her p's and q's around _that_ woman, but Gemma would only cut her eyes at Tara. Gemma played nice nasty for Jax's sake, occasionally threw Tara a bone of affection, only to draw it back and slice her with a comment or two later.

Tara never understood why Gemma hated her. She loved Jax, loved him more than she loved anything or anyone. She treated him well and he doted on her. He'd started coming to school more just because Tara was there. But Gemma looked at Tara as a threat from the beginning. First she complained they were too young. Tara was confused by that. Jax was too young to be in love, but by the club's standards, not too young to drink beer, smoke weed, get tattoos, and fuck random girls. When that didn't deter Jax or Tara, the complaint morphed to they spent too much time together. Which was true.

Every waking hour they were together or fretting about being together. Mostly Jax. His need for her was insatiable and Tara felt the same. When that didn't work, Tara became the distraction, distraction from his club, from his job, from his home, from everything. She pushed effectively to have Tara sent away, but Jax only clung to Tara more.

"_You think he loves you?" she asked a sixteen year old Tara._

"_I...I do," Tara answered. He told her he did all the time. _

_She watched the woman take a drag of her cigarette and smile. "Lust feels alot like love baby. Teenaged hormones are fickle and Jax has had alot of girls around here feeling all giddy like you do."_

"_Mrs. Teller, I know Jax has been with other girls-"_

"_He's been with a lot of girls, sweetie. Hell he's our own little club whore. I'm just glad no one's giving me a grandbaby yet," she smirked. "Including and especially you."_

_Tara gulped and looked behind her to see if Jax was finished his shift at the garage. She had just slept with Jax and she wasn't comfortable with his mother knowing or insinuating that fact. That was between her and Jax and she wanted it to stay that way. Tara wanted to leave, to flee. _

"_We love each other. For real."_

"_Sure you do, baby. We all believe that at some point."_

Tara didn't like the mind games and manipulations Gemma played. She played them well too. Gemma could get in your mind and screw up the truth so much you'd question your own beliefs. Tara knew Jax loved her. She felt it. But here this woman was dropping seeds of doubt and watering them whenever she could.

Tara didn't want or like to talk to Gemma. The woman had done enough damage to her self esteem during her teens. But she had to tell her what she saw.

She didn't want to go to the shop, didn't want to see Jax. She didn't want to tell him what she had seen, didn't know how he would take it, but surely Gemma would try to figure out what Wendy was doing. She was seven months pregnant, no way should she be hanging around The Hairy Dog at 2 am. Charming was small, and St. Thomas was smaller, and she found out Gemma had a cardiology appointment that week. She waited for her as she exited the doctor's office and Tara felt like a bundle of exposed nerves as she approached her.

"Gemma?"

The woman stopped and gave Tara a full body scan as she approached. "Is this a coincidence or you stalking me?"

"I needed to speak to you, if you don't mind?"

"Bout what?" Gemma crossed her arms.

Tara shifted nervously and looked around her. "I'm not trying to start anything or put out any rumors, but I wanted to know if what I saw was something of concern-"

"Spill it. I don't have all day."

"I saw Wendy, the other night, going into The Hairy Dog."

Gemma eyed her suspiciously. She said nothing just looked at Tara. Her brain was working, Tara could see it.

"It was 2 am. She went in the side entrance."

Gemma cocked her head. "What's it to you?"

"Excuse me?" Tara recoiled.

"So Wendy went into The Hairy Dog. So what?"

"She's pregnant, Gemma."

"Yeah she is, with my grandbaby. Jax's baby," Gemma nodded at Tara. "What? Like I don't know your intentions. You want to throw Wendy under the bus to get back to Jax."

Tara frowned and sighed heavily. She knew this was a bad idea. "No. This isn't about Jax."

"It's always about Jax, baby."

"This isn't. What we had is ancient history. I don't even know Wendy. I just think a severely pregnant woman with a history of addiction shouldn't be at a seedy bar at night. You just want to ignore this because it's coming from me."

"How do you know she's an addict?"

"Who around here doesn't fucking know?" Tara spit out, then admonished herself for letting Gemma get to her. "Maybe I should tell Jax."

"Yeah, maybe. But that'd just prove my point," Gemma snorted.

"And just what is your point, Gemma?"

"I'm suspicious of you... yeah, sure.I have a right to be. Because maybe you just want to ruin the best thing that happened to Jax since you left," Gemma replied.

Tara looked down at her hands. This was a mistake of epic proportions. She was not trying to hurt Wendy or Jax. She was trying to head off something horrible. "I don't want to ruin anything for him. I am happy for him. I am happy he's happy."

"Go sell that shit somewhere else," Gemma sneered. "Isn't that why you came back?"

"I came back to work and finish my father's estate," Tara clarified, anger creeping back into her voice. Gemma Teller was always a bitch, but she was hoping she could get through to her on this.

"Well then, stop playing Tara Knowles, P.I. and stay out of Jax's business. Your fairytale ended when you flew to San Diego. I'll worry about Wendy...and Jax," Gemma replied, putting on her glasses and stomping away in her boots.

Tara rolled her eyes as she watched her leave and felt a heaviness in her chest.

_Maybe you just want to ruin the best thing that happened to Jax since you left._

She didn't want to believe what she was doing was remotely close to that, but she had to wonder why she was compelled to tell Gemma about Wendy. If Wendy was a recovering drug addict, The Hairy Dog would be beacon to her addiction. Tara was fully aware of what went on there. If Wendy was using, then she was putting her life and her baby's life in danger. Tara hated her for doing that. How she could be carrying something so precious and beautiful, like a baby, _Jax's baby_...and hurt it was beyond comprehension. But regardless of how Gemma took the information, Tara knew she had planted a seed of doubt with Gemma. Hopefully, Gemma would heed her warning, and get down to the bottom of it before it was too late.

She walked back to her floor of the hospital. A nurse at the desk beckoned her over to sign some paperwork.

"Oh and you got a call."

"A consult?" Tara sighed as she drew her name out on the paper.

"Nope, a doctor from a Chicago. Didn't leave his number, just asked if you were working here and accepting new patients."

She looked up. Dr. Steiger maybe, hopefully. The other alternative was too scary to comprehend. "Did he leave a message?"

"No," the nurse replied before answer the ringing phone.

Tara clicked her pen and set it down. She couldn't shake the unease that washed over her.


End file.
